| Re: a comment on Heretic Haikus by SupremeDreamer |
15-Nov-03/1:10 AM |
that and 3rd.
do a little research on adelaide crapsey for the scoop on cinquain - good stuff. Here's a good example:
"Triad"
These be
Three silent things:
The falling snow ... the hour
Before the dawn ... the mouth of one
Just dead.
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| Re: a comment on Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/1:05 AM |
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| Re: Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:59 AM |
oh - can you dump my creds line; gives me the heebies.
glad to help though.
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| Re: a comment on Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:58 AM |
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sho' nuff. but - also good.
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| Re: Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:39 AM |
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was this yoderian constructed last stanza in the last version? quickly now - make it engrish!
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| Re: Inane Muttering by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:35 AM |
"occurrence" as it is used is a missed opportunity, methinks. Why were they welcome? (sarcasm aside)
Other than that, pretty frickin' solid.
-9-
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| Re: Reflection by Judas kiss |
15-Nov-03/12:29 AM |
i no comprenday "lips which life my down"
I like how you say "you define in a single kiss
The inexpressible"
De-lark the last three lines, and remove the word love once and the whole thing will be better for it.
-7- prolly a good deal higher without the first crit.
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| Re: Outhouse by newagepoet2000 |
15-Nov-03/12:26 AM |
Hmmmm. stinky, and I'm annoyed at the waste of the precious posting space (not being blessed with multiple user names - and I'm not saying you are either, and besides, it's perfectly legal).
-5- cuz it's the closest thing to a real haiku anyone has posted here in a while (at least it's about nature).
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| Re: a comment on Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:23 AM |
I LOVE titanium.
Glad you liked the delta - some folks round these parts don't take kindly to semicolons though, so - watch yer back...
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| Re: You love it. by skaskowski |
15-Nov-03/12:20 AM |
I don't hate it. It's got a fresh format too.
I almost hate the last part, but the others are so good I'm willing to live with it.
and if the "love" in the title has anything to do with tennis scorings, I will re-visit this with a ONE.
-8-
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| Re: The Gala Apple by peaceseeker |
15-Nov-03/12:17 AM |
VEry dense. Too dense imho. A few real gems in there and I would have stuck with it if there was some satisfying payoff at the end (pretty much anything except a hand kissed goodnight).
Prolly five really good poems in there.
dig
them
out.
-7-
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| Re: a comment on Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
15-Nov-03/12:10 AM |
Suggestion is easy, just flush all the words after the comma.
"just silent observers;
a witness [of] moments repeated"
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| Re: Heretic Haikus by SupremeDreamer |
15-Nov-03/12:08 AM |
A nice conceptual run! and your first 'haiku'; good job. Too bad we don't have another classification for 5/7/5 poems.
try these as cinquain (2/4/6/8/2)
-7-
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| Re: Good Riddance by dragonfly |
14-Nov-03/11:55 PM |
Hey - this is really pretty good. I'm thinking the rhyming might take away from the seriousness of it, but as it is - it works.
How about another version without rhyme? But keep this one too. -8-
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| Re: Memoirs of a Monk II - Sacred Witness by Don-Quixote |
14-Nov-03/11:53 PM |
"liquescent" - nice, also: "non compos mentis eye"
I like this - I would like it more without the half sentence after the last comma. -8-
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| Re: a comment on What the fuck is a HAIKU anyway? by titan69 |
14-Nov-03/7:29 AM |
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What the hell are you talking about? He failed what, now?
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| Re: What the fuck is a HAIKU anyway? by titan69 |
13-Nov-03/7:01 PM |
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Dont get you examples here - they are mostly senryu.
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| Re: Those weeks I slit my wrists to the Smiths by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
13-Nov-03/10:50 AM |
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quite a week. yep, quite a week.
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| Re: Something I Hope I Would Not Hear Myself Speak by Lifeboatman |
13-Nov-03/8:24 AM |
Reads pretty good, actually. Sometimes those wings can give a pre-impression.
Couple crits for you, if you are so inclined.
a comma after "decency" would work well overall, methinks
nest-[sites]? or were you making a play on "nasty"; either way.
"bust seats"? what is that? bus seats? if the "nest-sties" was intentional, then I'd believe this was too.
The last two lines are - perfect.
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| Re: a comment on paint me a poem (try 2) by nentwined |
13-Nov-03/7:18 AM |
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(nor do I agree INTRANSIT is a simpleton, btw)
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