DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

The Birth of an Incubus (Born a child of scorn)

Member since 2003 · Posted 7 Nov 2003 · 9 comments

Crows danced with the children of scorn beneath a scarlet sunburst whilst an incubus babe was born- promptly given blood to quench its thirst. At dusk they feasted with ease; liquored were their lips of bloodlust, driven to beat those they could seize- some silenced with blade thrust. The celebration waned by dawn; fuddled were the children of scorn- mumbles began to fade into yawn. Sleep subdued the last by morn, ending the rite of a newborn.

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 6.86 weighted 5.50 rank 2743 views 369 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

9 comments

[9] <{Baba^Yaga}> 7-Nov-03/10:19 PM Reply

You shant speak of our origins fool you'll be our ruin!

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › <{Baba^Yaga}> 7-Nov-03/10:38 PM Reply

you worry too much friend, our ancestors survived the birth of christianity, societies moral gestapo, and much more- a few souls knowing of our tribes birthing ritual shant harm us.

[7] Shuushin 8-Nov-03/5:29 AM Reply

Hey, not bad! - that last line though felt one beat too heavy; a slight nit.

"children of scorn" was cute - made me think of children of the corn (natch).

Stylistically the yoderian reversal of "liquored were", and "fuddled were" works out since it's consistent in two stanzas - that I can handle. Sometimes it's overdone (no probs here).

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › Shuushin 8-Nov-03/6:20 AM Reply

Well, im not crazy for yoderian usage myself- but sometimes it comes in handy and fits my mood.

The last line was an itch i had to scratch, ending at morn irritated me for some reason. -shrug-

[7] INTRANSIT 8-Nov-03/5:42 AM Reply

Do something dwith this. A sonnet, 4 quatrains...
Go for 8 syllables per line. Good story. Bumpy rhyme.
Do what it deserves.

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › INTRANSIT 8-Nov-03/6:29 AM Reply

I might make a sonnet version- I get annoyed with molds though- having to add more than what I'm aiming for, etc, but I'm seriously contemplating doing what you suggest- thought up some ideas when was writing this version already.

[7] Shuushin › SupremeDreamer 8-Nov-03/6:50 AM Reply

then you will definitely have to deal with that last line - its off precisely because it's struggling to be iambic (at least something dissyllabic, imho).

go ahead, give me shit for spouting poetic on a poetry board, beotches.

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › Shuushin 8-Nov-03/7:06 AM Reply

why would i give you shit? I don't suddenly evolve a complex when someone mentions metrification.. oki doki?

But i do have to inform you that i was not trying to be iambic or dissyllabic- aba ended with bb rhyme scheme was all i was being mindful of, having no thought about meter.

Yes, im a streetpoet- its why my other names include Y2kSlamPoet.. but i do know what meter is. ;)

[n/a] SupremeDreamer › Shuushin 8-Nov-03/7:25 AM Reply

Ah, another thing: I will need to remodel most of the entire poem in some fashion to turn it into a sonnet- i aways end up doing such a make-over when i engage a poems rebirth.