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The Birth of an Incubus (Born a child of scorn) (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
Crows danced with the children of scorn beneath a scarlet sunburst whilst an incubus babe was born- promptly given blood to quench its thirst. At dusk they feasted with ease; liquored were their lips of bloodlust, driven to beat those they could seize- some silenced with blade thrust. The celebration waned by dawn; fuddled were the children of scorn- mumbles began to fade into yawn. Sleep subdued the last by morn, ending the rite of a newborn.

Up the ladder: Amber's Witness
Down the ladder: Bedlam Bazaar

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.1666665
Weighted score: 5.5827065
Overall Rank: 2318
Posted: November 7, 2003 9:55 PM PST; Last modified: November 7, 2003 9:55 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.116.54 | 7-Nov-03/10:19 PM | Reply
You shant speak of our origins fool you'll be our ruin!
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.173.116 > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 7-Nov-03/10:38 PM | Reply
you worry too much friend, our ancestors survived the birth of christianity, societies moral gestapo, and much more- a few souls knowing of our tribes birthing ritual shant harm us.
[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 8-Nov-03/5:29 AM | Reply
Hey, not bad! - that last line though felt one beat too heavy; a slight nit.

"children of scorn" was cute - made me think of children of the corn (natch).

Stylistically the yoderian reversal of "liquored were", and "fuddled were" works out since it's consistent in two stanzas - that I can handle. Sometimes it's overdone (no probs here).
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.174 > Shuushin | 8-Nov-03/6:20 AM | Reply
Well, im not crazy for yoderian usage myself- but sometimes it comes in handy and fits my mood.

The last line was an itch i had to scratch, ending at morn irritated me for some reason. -shrug-
[7] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.105 | 8-Nov-03/5:42 AM | Reply
Do something dwith this. A sonnet, 4 quatrains...
Go for 8 syllables per line. Good story. Bumpy rhyme.
Do what it deserves.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.174 > INTRANSIT | 8-Nov-03/6:29 AM | Reply
I might make a sonnet version- I get annoyed with molds though- having to add more than what I'm aiming for, etc, but I'm seriously contemplating doing what you suggest- thought up some ideas when was writing this version already.
[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > SupremeDreamer | 8-Nov-03/6:50 AM | Reply
then you will definitely have to deal with that last line - its off precisely because it's struggling to be iambic (at least something dissyllabic, imho).

go ahead, give me shit for spouting poetic on a poetry board, beotches.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.174 > Shuushin | 8-Nov-03/7:06 AM | Reply
why would i give you shit? I don't suddenly evolve a complex when someone mentions metrification.. oki doki?

But i do have to inform you that i was not trying to be iambic or dissyllabic- aba ended with bb rhyme scheme was all i was being mindful of, having no thought about meter.

Yes, im a streetpoet- its why my other names include Y2kSlamPoet.. but i do know what meter is. ;)
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.174 > Shuushin | 8-Nov-03/7:25 AM | Reply
Ah, another thing: I will need to remodel most of the entire poem in some fashion to turn it into a sonnet- i aways end up doing such a make-over when i engage a poems rebirth.
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