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The Birth of an Incubus (Born a child of scorn) (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer Crows danced with the children of scorn
beneath a scarlet sunburst
whilst an incubus babe was born-
promptly given blood to quench its thirst.
At dusk they feasted with ease;
liquored were their lips of bloodlust,
driven to beat those they could seize-
some silenced with blade thrust.
The celebration waned by dawn;
fuddled were the children of scorn-
mumbles began to fade into yawn.
Sleep subdued the last by morn,
ending the rite of a newborn.
Up the ladder:
weeping tree
Down the ladder:
submission to decay
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.857143
Posted: November 7, 2003 9:55 PM PST; Last modified: November 7, 2003 9:55 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.4994626 Overall Rank: 2744 Comments:
[9]
<{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.126.116.54
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7-Nov-03/10:19 PM
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Reply
You shant speak of our origins fool you'll be our ruin!
[n/a]
SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.173.116
> <{Baba^Yaga}>
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7-Nov-03/10:38 PM
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you worry too much friend, our ancestors survived the birth of christianity, societies moral gestapo, and much more- a few souls knowing of our tribes birthing ritual shant harm us.
Hey, not bad! - that last line though felt one beat too heavy; a slight nit.
"children of scorn" was cute - made me think of children of the corn (natch). Stylistically the yoderian reversal of "liquored were", and "fuddled were" works out since it's consistent in two stanzas - that I can handle. Sometimes it's overdone (no probs here).
Well, im not crazy for yoderian usage myself- but sometimes it comes in handy and fits my mood.
The last line was an itch i had to scratch, ending at morn irritated me for some reason. -shrug-
Do something dwith this. A sonnet, 4 quatrains...
Go for 8 syllables per line. Good story. Bumpy rhyme. Do what it deserves.
I might make a sonnet version- I get annoyed with molds though- having to add more than what I'm aiming for, etc, but I'm seriously contemplating doing what you suggest- thought up some ideas when was writing this version already.
then you will definitely have to deal with that last line - its off precisely because it's struggling to be iambic (at least something dissyllabic, imho).
go ahead, give me shit for spouting poetic on a poetry board, beotches.
why would i give you shit? I don't suddenly evolve a complex when someone mentions metrification.. oki doki?
But i do have to inform you that i was not trying to be iambic or dissyllabic- aba ended with bb rhyme scheme was all i was being mindful of, having no thought about meter. Yes, im a streetpoet- its why my other names include Y2kSlamPoet.. but i do know what meter is. ;)
Ah, another thing: I will need to remodel most of the entire poem in some fashion to turn it into a sonnet- i aways end up doing such a make-over when i engage a poems rebirth.
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