| Re: a comment on #28 by Lifeboatman |
23-Jan-05/5:58 PM |
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agreed. Don't know why I have ta open mah mouth all the time.
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| Re: Life is my agony by Prince of Void |
23-Jan-05/7:35 AM |
"I must despairs" is intentional for the second to last line?
Definitely conveys a sense of hopelessness.
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| Re: a comment on #28 by Lifeboatman |
23-Jan-05/7:29 AM |
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| Re: The Stone Seeker and the Stacking by darkshark |
21-Jan-05/9:17 PM |
Certainly not a zero - and I don't know what you did to piss off supremedreamer.
This has moments of very nice poetry, but then it starts and fits into almost a Caricature of poetry.
Notch it back a bit and give the thing some focus.
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| Re: Homophobic Self-Help Poem. (For the men who drive a mustang) by SupremeDreamer |
21-Jan-05/9:12 PM |
Beautiful first stanza, my friend.
S5, also very good.
I can't quite talk myself into the tone of it somehow though.
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| Re: The Flower by Bhaskaryya |
19-Jan-05/8:08 PM |
what kind of flower?
what makes it appealing?
why "a few" - loose that.
this tendency to put a descriptor to actions that you've already described (or should by other means) is distracting. Like "hasty" and "Heedlessly".
and there's something unsettling about the real-time nature of this - the play-by-play, yet you put "yet unaware [that you trampled over the living]" - that retrospective though process pulls the reader right out of the moment. And really, the action speaks for itself, or could better do so.
I think you could make this moment with the little twist (pluck) ending a fairly nice piece with just a little attention to the types of things I just said.
Not that I have an advanced degree from an accredited poetry school or anything.
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| Re: Aeuphoria by MacFrantic |
19-Jan-05/7:57 PM |
"things awry" is a little vague, don't you think - maybe a missed opportunity given the sparseness here.
I think its better without that last line, really.
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| Re: black dog by wilco |
19-Jan-05/7:55 PM |
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| Re: Jeremiah is mud by somemorepoetry |
19-Jan-05/7:54 PM |
nice with the crows
remove all the commas, put a semi after "water"
"separate" (spelling)
interesting visuals and conclusion - consider changing "crows" to "blackbirds" (because you have "scarecrows" later on and the duplication is unflattering).
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| Re: black dog by wilco |
19-Jan-05/7:50 PM |
Pretty not bad - slowly and slow are too close
"Remembrance" (spelling).
What's it about - murrderrr?
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| Re: a comment on Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry |
18-Jan-05/8:07 PM |
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thanks - but I am a J. Depp fan (gay or no, but I think no).
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| Re: Hate the Contestant by Blindpoetry |
17-Jan-05/8:40 AM |
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I'll have to look up the connection between michael moore and bands - brb
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| Re: a comment on Only Me by heartlessempath |
16-Jan-05/10:40 PM |
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drop me a line if you change it, then I'll pour over it again.
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| Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin |
16-Jan-05/10:39 PM |
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| Re: Vulture by Stacy Stewart |
16-Jan-05/8:50 PM |
how bout a couple line breaks there?
An observation: in places you omit a word, apparently because it isn't needed - and I agree with that philosophy, but in others you pack in little extra ones as if you get paid by the letter (the first three words for starters, the on nearly every line, the first two or three.
Clean that crap out and it won't be so pants.
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| Re: Only Me by heartlessempath |
16-Jan-05/8:40 PM |
an interesting idea, this. But I thinks it's a bit overdialoged - distracting.
And the warrior angle could be clarified too, prolly.
But really, a cool thing.
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| Re: Buried On Hollowed Ground by Enchantres |
16-Jan-05/8:33 PM |
Despite being a suicide/death poem (something too often done and done badly) this has an unusual angle in that it's a post mortem - and I like that.
What I don't like is that there are opportunities missed for some potentially nice descriptive bits: night, fog, cemetary gates. Instead you just blurt them out like a noob.
Maybe loose the whole first stanza so the reader isn't immediately disappointed right off the bat.
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| Re: Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite |
16-Jan-05/6:36 AM |
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quotation marks like odd raindrops, which is cool. Unfortunately, I voiced the poem with the dog from that very odd religious claymation show "Davey and Goliath".
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| Re: You tell me by RION12 |
14-Jan-05/11:44 PM |
"cheek"
watch the duplicate rhymes
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| Re: a comment on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin |
13-Jan-05/9:23 PM |
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Thanks ddm - may I ask how you happened to look at it?
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