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The Flower

Member since 2004 · Posted 18 Jan 2005 · 2 comments

A flower blossoming in the distance Appeals to my solemn eyes. To appreciate that incredible beauty From a much nearer picture I start walking towards it. A few dry leaves rustle Beneath my hasty footsteps; I walk over the dead. The green nascent grass Teeming with expectant life Is squashed under my feet; I trample over the living. Yet unaware, I keep walkingâ¦ And finally I reach it. The fragrance of the flower Along its breathtaking opulence Brim my senses with ecstasyâ¦ And in this spasm of uncontrollable bliss; Heedlessly I pluck it off!

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2 comments

[7] Shuushin 19-Jan-05/8:08 PM Reply

what kind of flower?
what makes it appealing?

why "a few" - loose that.

this tendency to put a descriptor to actions that you've already described (or should by other means) is distracting. Like "hasty" and "Heedlessly".

and there's something unsettling about the real-time nature of this - the play-by-play, yet you put "yet unaware [that you trampled over the living]" - that retrospective though process pulls the reader right out of the moment. And really, the action speaks for itself, or could better do so.

I think you could make this moment with the little twist (pluck) ending a fairly nice piece with just a little attention to the types of things I just said.

Not that I have an advanced degree from an accredited poetry school or anything.

[6] wilco 20-Jan-05/8:05 PM Reply

More showing and less telling. You could say all this much more beautifully with fewer words and a little more specific.