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The Flower (Free verse) by Bhaskaryya A flower blossoming in the distance
Appeals to my solemn eyes.
To appreciate that incredible beauty
From a much nearer picture
I start walking towards it.
A few dry leaves rustle
Beneath my hasty footsteps;
I walk over the dead.
The green nascent grass
Teeming with expectant life
Is squashed under my feet;
I trample over the living.
Yet unaware, I keep walkingâ¦
And finally I reach it.
The fragrance of the flower
Along its breathtaking opulence
Brim my senses with ecstasyâ¦
And in this spasm of uncontrollable bliss;
Heedlessly I pluck it off!
Up the ladder:
The Stone Seeker and the Stacking
Down the ladder:
two tunnels blip out
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: January 18, 2005 10:08 PM PST; Last modified: January 18, 2005 10:08 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.9403987 Overall Rank: 9077 Comments:
More showing and less telling. You could say all this much more beautifully with fewer words and a little more specific.
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what makes it appealing?
why "a few" - loose that.
this tendency to put a descriptor to actions that you've already described (or should by other means) is distracting. Like "hasty" and "Heedlessly".
and there's something unsettling about the real-time nature of this - the play-by-play, yet you put "yet unaware [that you trampled over the living]" - that retrospective though process pulls the reader right out of the moment. And really, the action speaks for itself, or could better do so.
I think you could make this moment with the little twist (pluck) ending a fairly nice piece with just a little attention to the types of things I just said.
Not that I have an advanced degree from an accredited poetry school or anything.