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Buried On Hollowed Ground (Free verse) by Enchantres Captive child seeking his identity
Through the night, through the fog
Cemetery gates are closed
Your life has passed away, you didn't realize..
Now you see, after a year
Where you've been good for
Nothing, killed yourself
Are you proud now?
Or disgusted by what you've become?
Or didn't become.. the immortal hero
What is left is a remembrance
A grave, made out of the most beautiful stone
That gives us the eternal beauty of your life
For us
Because you couldn't care less
Captive child, the legacy
Is buried on hollowed ground...
Up the ladder:
Where are you, Sally Jesse Rafiel?
Down the ladder:
A Loving Hand, Slightly Raised
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: January 16, 2005 3:07 PM PST; Last modified: January 16, 2005 3:07 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7915 Comments:
"Now you see," but how so? You imply consciousness after suicide death. Better to say the killer is gone and knows nothing. vote-7 only because it's well written.
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What I don't like is that there are opportunities missed for some potentially nice descriptive bits: night, fog, cemetary gates. Instead you just blurt them out like a noob.
Maybe loose the whole first stanza so the reader isn't immediately disappointed right off the bat.