Buried On Hollowed Ground

Member since 2004 · Posted 16 Jan 2005 · 2 comments

Captive child seeking his identity Through the night, through the fog Cemetery gates are closed Your life has passed away, you didn't realize.. Now you see, after a year Where you've been good for Nothing, killed yourself Are you proud now? Or disgusted by what you've become? Or didn't become.. the immortal hero What is left is a remembrance A grave, made out of the most beautiful stone That gives us the eternal beauty of your life For us Because you couldn't care less Captive child, the legacy Is buried on hollowed ground...

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mean 5.00 weighted 5.00 rank 7989 views 115 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

2 comments

[8] Shuushin 16-Jan-05/8:33 PM Reply

Despite being a suicide/death poem (something too often done and done badly) this has an unusual angle in that it's a post mortem - and I like that.

What I don't like is that there are opportunities missed for some potentially nice descriptive bits: night, fog, cemetary gates. Instead you just blurt them out like a noob.

Maybe loose the whole first stanza so the reader isn't immediately disappointed right off the bat.

[7] Dovina 16-Jan-05/8:47 PM Reply

"Now you see," but how so? You imply consciousness after suicide death. Better to say the killer is gone and knows nothing. vote-7 only because it's well written.