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Jeremiah is mud (Free verse) by somemorepoetry
Jeremiah is mud pulled from the treads
Of boots that swamped through
The early spring.
He breaks at the touch,and
Clings until he is brushed aside.
Now he watches the crows
Sweep up from the field,
Passing the sun and the rooftops,
And it reminds him of a gunshot
Heard when he was still
Dirt and water, seperate but equal.
Black wings crossing momentary shadows
Across his eyes.
A quick succession of images
Pulling him in moment by moment
Of scarecrows and hay-colored women
Always together.
So he becomes a puddle
Glazed over with dirt
Shaken from hands stuffed with straw.
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8812
Posted: January 19, 2005 4:47 PM PST; Last modified: January 19, 2005 4:47 PM PST
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Comments:
171 view(s)
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remove all the commas, put a semi after "water"
"separate" (spelling)
interesting visuals and conclusion - consider changing "crows" to "blackbirds" (because you have "scarecrows" later on and the duplication is unflattering).