replying on Thaw by <~>
21 Apr 2004, 2:25 PM
Plus, none of my women will holdstill long enough.
replying on Crucifixion by Mr Pig
21 Apr 2004, 2:24 PM
Pretty much any - short, long, short- is acceptable in most circles.
on The Conqueror Worm by zodiac
21 Apr 2004, 11:06 AM
Sure, I'll buy that.
Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).
Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).
on Summer Festival by wilco
21 Apr 2004, 7:56 AM
I think the couplets keep the thing from flowing; it reads list-like.
It's worth fixing.
It's worth fixing.
on Taupe is an Angry Mob by MacFrantic
21 Apr 2004, 7:25 AM
interesting (good) title.
not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.
Lots good about this stanza:
"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"
but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.
Lots good about this stanza:
"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"
but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
on Left the key in dream den's door by capachijim
21 Apr 2004, 7:17 AM
hmmm... "deterred" - not "deferred"? okay, fine.
"leaving me" might flow better.
Period at the end - did you try any other last lines?
I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
"leaving me" might flow better.
Period at the end - did you try any other last lines?
I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
on The Song of Summer Youth (II) by cleverdevice
21 Apr 2004, 7:09 AM
good language and a pleasant vignette.
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?).
I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?).
I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
on The break-up by petite_brunette
21 Apr 2004, 7:07 AM
the core of a memorable pop lyric, I'd say.
on Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann) by wilco
21 Apr 2004, 7:03 AM
ahh, love songs with trains - gotta love em.
Good one.
Good one.
See, now that's just weird - I was just *this morning* choking down a picture of Hitler undergoing a forced sex-change surgery while I was drawing a picture of you cramming lederhosen down your throat. I stopped though, because I didn't know what color to draw the eye.
on Ravings of a dreamer by SupremeDreamer
21 Apr 2004, 6:00 AM
one fix: "plague[']s nature"
I can't help thinking there's a simpler way to say the same thing, but I guess the vocabularic diarrhea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, is a style - and I really won't fault you for that. I think the thing does encapsulate a complete thought, as well.
I'm forced to consider the merrits of this style, however; it raises questions as I read the piece ... Who is your audience? Is the style consistent with the message? And a broader question: what is the value of language?
See what happens? I completely ignore the message and go right to the method of conveyance.
I can't help thinking there's a simpler way to say the same thing, but I guess the vocabularic diarrhea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, is a style - and I really won't fault you for that. I think the thing does encapsulate a complete thought, as well.
I'm forced to consider the merrits of this style, however; it raises questions as I read the piece ... Who is your audience? Is the style consistent with the message? And a broader question: what is the value of language?
See what happens? I completely ignore the message and go right to the method of conveyance.
replying on reflection by xunitedx
20 Apr 2004, 5:07 PM
see, now THAT rhymes!
heheh
heheh
replying on reflection by xunitedx
20 Apr 2004, 5:01 PM
let me try this, then: "oh, how could I have been so stupid."
replying on reflection by xunitedx
20 Apr 2004, 2:01 PM
sure it rhymes (the T is silent) - that it isn't the same foot makes it a bit awkwark though. Maybe you should capitalize it to make it more of a, uh, what you call a - proper noun so the fair reader doesn't have to take out the magic decoder ring.
This is what messing with standard rules like for capitalization and punctuation do to a poem - it makes readers second-guess stuff (especially on a forum like this).
Chalk it up as a datapoint. The word in that place doesn't really effect the thing overall anyway.
This is what messing with standard rules like for capitalization and punctuation do to a poem - it makes readers second-guess stuff (especially on a forum like this).
Chalk it up as a datapoint. The word in that place doesn't really effect the thing overall anyway.
I'm sorry if you misunderstood, Mike - I didn't mean to say it should have rhymed.
And while I appreciate that you are versed in haiku, I don't appreciate that you assume I'm not. Yet I grant you the opportunity to express that fact - at length.
I will agree that in *translations* we'll occasionally see assonance with two words, but you must agree that to do it with three - intentionally - pushes the boundaries of being subtle (especially with the alliteration with the feet/frost/grass). Quite simply, it reduces the effect of the cutting word (the lack of which in this haiku is likely why you don't consider it one of your strongest).
As far as creeping on feet goes – are you just being contrary? Creeping on toes – maybe, or knees, sure – but on feet?
Maybe this thought would better be contained within a cinquain?
Eh, whatever - you know what you know and surely some "kid" like me couldn't show you otherwise, right?
I'm looking forward to #21
And while I appreciate that you are versed in haiku, I don't appreciate that you assume I'm not. Yet I grant you the opportunity to express that fact - at length.
I will agree that in *translations* we'll occasionally see assonance with two words, but you must agree that to do it with three - intentionally - pushes the boundaries of being subtle (especially with the alliteration with the feet/frost/grass). Quite simply, it reduces the effect of the cutting word (the lack of which in this haiku is likely why you don't consider it one of your strongest).
As far as creeping on feet goes – are you just being contrary? Creeping on toes – maybe, or knees, sure – but on feet?
Maybe this thought would better be contained within a cinquain?
Eh, whatever - you know what you know and surely some "kid" like me couldn't show you otherwise, right?
I'm looking forward to #21
replying on reflection by xunitedx
20 Apr 2004, 12:11 PM
oh, just read justification about.
Change it anyway; no one knows what the hell that is.
Change it anyway; no one knows what the hell that is.
on reflection by xunitedx
20 Apr 2004, 12:10 PM
nice complex internal and end-rhymes.
ballys - s/b "ballets"
ballys - s/b "ballets"