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questions (Haiku) by ggawrysi
who what where when why but the question no one asks is how it was done

Down the ladder: Trust

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8333335
Weighted score: 5.493059
Overall Rank: 2733
Posted: April 20, 2004 1:57 AM PDT; Last modified: April 20, 2004 1:57 AM PDT
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[n/a] zodiac @ | 20-Apr-04/4:19 AM | Reply
We know how: Professor Plum with the candlestick.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ > zodiac | 20-Apr-04/11:19 AM | Reply
[n/a] zodiac @ > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Apr-04/11:24 AM | Reply
Battered candlestick doesn't make any sense.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ > zodiac | 20-Apr-04/12:14 PM | Reply
"Battered candlestick doesn't make any sense" doesn't make any sense.
[n/a] zodiac @ > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Apr-04/12:27 PM | Reply
[n/a] Shuushin @ > zodiac | 20-Apr-04/2:04 PM | Reply
who cares what nationality the butler is.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ > zodiac | 20-Apr-04/2:32 PM | Reply
I was quoting Alan Partidge. You're just saying random words. I think you'd better take a long, hard look at your life, zodiac.
[n/a] zodiac @ > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 20-Apr-04/2:43 PM | Reply
I have no experience with Alan Partridge, though I did catch Ricky Gervais answering the question "What's the difference between English and U.S. audiences?" with "English people want to knock you down more. Americans encourage success. British people don't think it'll happen to them and don't like it to happen to others."

"Battered" as either an adjective or verb can be logically included in the phrase "Prof. Plum with the candlestick" - provided "battered" does not refer to something dipped in batter and fried, as it almost always does in this part of the Southern U.S. "Polished" also works as an adj or (slightly slangy) verb.
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/3:32 AM | Reply
Ricky Gervais is an uncouth, common yob. We English have a stricter discriminatory process over what makes a good television programme. Americans encourage everybody to make a success of themselves - this is dangerous and has led to endless disasters, whereby someone who in England would be forced to crouch in their own ordure whilst lacing his Master's boots becomes successful. If an example is needed I give you Richard Simmons :
[n/a] zodiac @ > Stephen Robins | 21-Apr-04/4:34 AM | Reply
"Americans encourage everybody to make a success of themselves - this is dangerous and has led to endless disasters, whereby..."

Oh, but didn't your country invent the insidious "Idol" fad? That's an endless disaster on the scale of receiving fellatio from violetsuede in a brightly-lit lockerroom full of geriatrics.
[n/a] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/5:00 AM | Reply
"I have no experience with Alan Partridge ..."

In which case, sir, prepare to gain some valuable experience:

"Alan: It’s very Cluedo this house, isn’t it? Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom with the lead pipe. Battered."


[n/a] zodiac @ > wFraser Allonby Q.C.w | 21-Apr-04/6:03 AM | Reply
Ace. The model of British humor in the states these days is Simon Cowell, so you can imagine we're pretty desperate over here.
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/6:07 AM | Reply
Simon Cowell is also ace, double-ace. He has an extremely low gusset built into his trousers to enable him to efficiently manage his back fat by having his trousers around his nipples. This precludes an unsightly bugle just above his trousers on both his hips.

If Violetsuede were have a special pair of these "back fat alloacting" trousers she would be the first American to make me laugh.

[n/a] zodiac @ > Stephen Robins | 21-Apr-04/6:16 AM | Reply
You know that's true, right? The corset thing?

Simon Cowell looks like every American's idea of a European football player nearing retirement. We have an idea of European football players nearing retirement, you ask? Yes.

Violetsuede couldn't wear back fat allocating trousers. She has no part of her body that is not fat to allocate fat to. At best they would make her look like Simon Cowell. At worst like some swollen radish.
[n/a] zodiac @ > Stephen Robins | 21-Apr-04/6:31 AM | Reply
These are genuine 'witty' 'quips' by Simon Cowell on American Idol:
- "It was like The Exorcist."
- "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning."
- "You had about as much passion as a kitten mewing."
- "You sang like someone who sings on a cruise ship. Halfway through I imagined the ship sinking."
- "I think you're amazing ... amazingly dreadful."
- "That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily bad."

Please check out this article for the best of the American anti-Cowell backlash, as it's both our countries in a nutshell:
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/6:34 AM | Reply
I have just had to adjust my back fat encompassing suit trousers to stop my sides from splitting and an unfortunate, awkward to explain away, ejaculation of fatted back hitting my secretary across her face.
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/6:47 AM | Reply
Suggestions for Simon Cowell:

"If you were a tard you would be a fucktard"
"If only you could sing as well as I disguise my back fat"
"You sing like a spaz in a bath"
[n/a] zodiac @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/6:52 AM | Reply
- "I look like the love-child of Pierce Brosnan and Antonio Banderas, not you."
- "You are a turd ... a big turd."
- "I think your singing was bad. Unfortunately, I'm badly gay."
- "My Britishness keeps Americans from realizing I'm gay, whilst everyone knows that you are."
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/7:03 AM | Reply
"If your voice was an Israeli bomb defuser, you would be going home in a sponge."
[n/a] zodiac @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/7:17 AM | Reply
- "The last time I heard 'Candle in the Wind' sung so badly, Stephen was buggering Elton John without either first removing their backfat sheaths."
- "If the Gallagher brothers were here, you know what they'd say about your performance? [IMPERSONATING NOEL]: 'Royt, utlut ut lut lut tutle bloody luttuh lat.' [IMPERSONATING LIAM]: 'Bloody loyt toylet lot lut bloody bloody lut lut bloody.'"
- "You can't touch me."
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/5:11 AM | Reply
Your assertion that anything could be "an endless disaster on the scale of receiving fellatio from violetsuede in a brightly-lit lockerroom full of geriatrics" is the the full of dunce raving of a dicksplat. I do not believe that fellatio from aforementioned fat mess would be endless, indeed, I believe I may arrive a little too soon if her corpulent lips were to be enwrapped around my bulbous purple end. The presence of geriatrics may, moreover, further hasten the pace of my arrival to the point where I actually arrive before I have started.

[n/a] zodiac @ > Stephen Robins | 21-Apr-04/5:31 AM | Reply
That's ridiculous! No body could maintain that level of arousal in the... face of violetsuede.
[n/a] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/5:32 AM | Reply
Quite literally "in the face of violetsuede".
[n/a] zodiac @ > wFraser Allonby Q.C.w | 21-Apr-04/5:34 AM | Reply
[n/a] wFraser Allonby Q.C.w @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/5:37 AM | Reply
By the way ...

author: violetsuede
(11/24/03 7:51 am)
comment: I'm kind of in a rut right now. I'm at my fattest that I've ever been (5'7, 260) and I want to lose some weight but I'm lazy and I have this addiction to food. Unlike what some of the webpages I've read, I don't have low self-esteem but my weight gain as of late has definitely left me feeling not so great about myself. Whenever I try to diet or change my eating habits, it never lasts. It's almost like going through withdrawl- I'm sure you all understand. If I could just stop eating, I would, but that is impossible if I want to continue on in life. My boyfriend and I talked tonight about it all and he is willing to help motivate me but I'm afraid it won't be enough. For those of you currently losing weight, what is your secret? What methods have you found work best? I don't know if I'm ready for this but maybe I never will feel ready so there is no time like the present! Thank you in advance!

[n/a] zodiac @ > wFraser Allonby Q.C.w | 21-Apr-04/5:39 AM | Reply
"What methods have you found work best?"

Endlessly fellating Stephen.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ > zodiac | 21-Apr-04/5:41 AM | Reply
I like to cram lederhosen down my throat while drawing a cartoon of Hitler undergoing forced sex-change surgery.
Have you set up another random phrase generator? I do hope so.
All phrases must begin: "I like to ..."
[n/a] Shuushin @ > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 21-Apr-04/6:22 AM | Reply
See, now that's just weird - I was just *this morning* choking down a picture of Hitler undergoing a forced sex-change surgery while I was drawing a picture of you cramming lederhosen down your throat. I stopped though, because I didn't know what color to draw the eye.
Talking of cartoons of Hitler, I suggest you take a peek at this extraordinary series:
[n/a] Shuushin @ | 20-Apr-04/7:49 AM | Reply
is "How was it done?"
[7] deleted user @ | 20-Apr-04/10:11 AM | Reply
Actually, I ask how things were done quite often.
[n/a] Shuushin @ | 20-Apr-04/11:58 AM | Reply
the answer, btw, is always
"with mirrors"
[n/a] ggawrysi @ | 20-Apr-04/3:14 PM | Reply
this is one of the more confusing dialogues i've read lately...
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ > ggawrysi | 21-Apr-04/5:57 AM | Reply
.....You're a turd.
[n/a] ggawrysi @ > Stephen Robins | 21-Apr-04/12:44 PM | Reply
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