I would beware that 1) your first line [perhaps unconsciously] sounds like Carl Sandburg's superfamoso "Fog", and 2) it doesn't make any sense to crawl on one's feet.
Point #1---damn it. I haven't read much Sandburg, but something did sound very familiar. Looking up his poem, it's different enough in tone and intent to be okay with me. I'll just chalk it up as another contribution to the "air with feet" motif--not as grievous a crime as adding another "fire as desire" poem to the pile ;) For the curious, compare the above with Sandburg here:
http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poem1791.html
Point #2 well taken--I made an edit to correct that.
haiku shouldn't ryme, roundeye (nor should they really sound "poetic").
I'm serious, I didn't make this crap up. Change "feet" to "knees", and it will make more sense with "creeps" - unfortunately you are still stuck with the rhyme.
Haiku doesn't have to rhyme--it is unnecessary to the English version of the form. That said, repetition of sounds and words is not at all uncommon in anglicized haiku. Here's a translation on one of Issa's haiku by David G. Lanoue:
"First snowfall!"
and then, soon enough
three or four feet
There you have "three" and "feet". Issa himself also repeats the hell out of words. Do a search on "dewdrop" in this work sometime.
While we're on the subject, it's not technically rhyming, but, rather, a technique called assonance that is at work in grouping "breeze", "creeps", and "feet". It appears frequently in Old English poetry, but it has been used quite a lot since then by poets in this language.
The fact that English techniques get applied to Japanese forms is just the way things work. Our obsessive attention to counting syllables, in fact, is pretty much an English convention, since the whole syllable counting thing works differently in Japanese. Take a look at really good modern translations of Haiku, particularly by Robert Hass--he sticks with short-long-short rather than 5-7-5--it's just one of those accommodations that get made when you go from one language to another very different one, each with their own literary conventions and histories.
By the way, the "knees" thing just doesn't make any sense at all. And I won't even start on that roundeye bullshit, kid. That said, it isn't my strongest haiku; I totally admit that.
I'm sorry if you misunderstood, Mike - I didn't mean to say it should have rhymed.
And while I appreciate that you are versed in haiku, I don't appreciate that you assume I'm not. Yet I grant you the opportunity to express that fact - at length.
I will agree that in *translations* we'll occasionally see assonance with two words, but you must agree that to do it with three - intentionally - pushes the boundaries of being subtle (especially with the alliteration with the feet/frost/grass). Quite simply, it reduces the effect of the cutting word (the lack of which in this haiku is likely why you don't consider it one of your strongest).
As far as creeping on feet goes â are you just being contrary? Creeping on toes â maybe, or knees, sure â but on feet?
Maybe this thought would better be contained within a cinquain?
Eh, whatever - you know what you know and surely some "kid" like me couldn't show you otherwise, right?
6 comments
http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/displ
Point #2 well taken--I made an edit to correct that.
I'm serious, I didn't make this crap up. Change "feet" to "knees", and it will make more sense with "creeps" - unfortunately you are still stuck with the rhyme.
dunno. have a 7
"First snowfall!"
and then, soon enough
three or four feet
There you have "three" and "feet". Issa himself also repeats the hell out of words. Do a search on "dewdrop" in this work sometime.
While we're on the subject, it's not technically rhyming, but, rather, a technique called assonance that is at work in grouping "breeze", "creeps", and "feet". It appears frequently in Old English poetry, but it has been used quite a lot since then by poets in this language.
The fact that English techniques get applied to Japanese forms is just the way things work. Our obsessive attention to counting syllables, in fact, is pretty much an English convention, since the whole syllable counting thing works differently in Japanese. Take a look at really good modern translations of Haiku, particularly by Robert Hass--he sticks with short-long-short rather than 5-7-5--it's just one of those accommodations that get made when you go from one language to another very different one, each with their own literary conventions and histories.
By the way, the "knees" thing just doesn't make any sense at all. And I won't even start on that roundeye bullshit, kid. That said, it isn't my strongest haiku; I totally admit that.
And while I appreciate that you are versed in haiku, I don't appreciate that you assume I'm not. Yet I grant you the opportunity to express that fact - at length.
I will agree that in *translations* we'll occasionally see assonance with two words, but you must agree that to do it with three - intentionally - pushes the boundaries of being subtle (especially with the alliteration with the feet/frost/grass). Quite simply, it reduces the effect of the cutting word (the lack of which in this haiku is likely why you don't consider it one of your strongest).
As far as creeping on feet goes â are you just being contrary? Creeping on toes â maybe, or knees, sure â but on feet?
Maybe this thought would better be contained within a cinquain?
Eh, whatever - you know what you know and surely some "kid" like me couldn't show you otherwise, right?
I'm looking forward to #21
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