Poemranker [Replying] Sat May 04 20:31:02 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

The breeze creeps with feet blistered by the now-dead frost, dampened on new grass.

20-Apr-04/1:32 PM

I'm sorry if you misunderstood, Mike - I didn't mean to say it should have rhymed.

And while I appreciate that you are versed in haiku, I don't appreciate that you assume I'm not. Yet I grant you the opportunity to express that fact - at length.

I will agree that in *translations* we'll occasionally see assonance with two words, but you must agree that to do it with three - intentionally - pushes the boundaries of being subtle (especially with the alliteration with the feet/frost/grass). Quite simply, it reduces the effect of the cutting word (the lack of which in this haiku is likely why you don't consider it one of your strongest).

As far as creeping on feet goes â are you just being contrary? Creeping on toes â maybe, or knees, sure â but on feet?

Maybe this thought would better be contained within a cinquain?

Eh, whatever - you know what you know and surely some "kid" like me couldn't show you otherwise, right?

I'm looking forward to #21

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