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The Song of Summer Youth (II) (Free verse) by cleverdevice The air was Elysian
As clouds chased the breeze.
Your hand was in mine
As we slipped through the trees.
In that cool, shaded orchard
We picked apples and pears,
Amid the fragrance of summer
Was the scent of your hair.
The touch of your fingers
As they ran down my arm
was gentle and easy
Like the August day's calm
And sinking to the ground
Thoughts needing no say
We lay there for hours
'Til the Sun slipped away.
Up the ladder:
Final Goregasm
Down the ladder:
Beyond Redemption
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: April 19, 2004 2:22 AM PDT; Last modified: July 14, 2006 1:48 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9165 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
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edpeterson @ 68.79.28.143
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19-Apr-04/7:24 AM
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Reply
could be good. I won't vote now, because this obviously needs to be edited.
"passin" gas...?
sorted, now.
good language and a pleasant vignette.
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?). I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
Yeah, it is somewhat cliched/crap.
And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.
Ah, but which finger shall you wear it upon?
It needs a few more commas at the end of some of the verses, but other than that, a very good read and an excellent write.
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