Re: Distance by MacFrantic	9-Mar-05/12:26 PM
I don't get what you're trying to convey, here. :/
Re: How to make a suicide bomber by Caducus	9-Mar-05/12:25 PM
A good thought. Didn't move me as poetry, though.
Re: Deja-Vu by Rainbow_chaser	9-Mar-05/12:23 PM
simple, and the title adds some piece of elegance to it; but it's something that's been said a million times, and likely precisely like this at least a dozen, just from the common-ness of the words going together in the manner you used. ((though google would say these words had not yet been inscribed in the collective consciousness of the internet)) p.s. relized -> realized
Re: The Snow Globe by Caducus	7-Mar-05/4:49 PM
I like bits of this a lot. The last stanza really doesn't work for me. The underscores in the title bug me. Dunno. 6. could be something, though.
Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT	7-Mar-05/4:46 PM
monochrome doesn't seem right. sepia? I like where it starts. The ending doesn't cinch it closed for me, though.
Re: Evacuation harnessed angel Vs. The antichrist by Bachus	7-Mar-05/4:39 PM
Hmm. I gave this a 6 back in the day. Today I give it a 10. It made me laugh.
Re: Forward My Mail by Shardik	7-Mar-05/4:38 PM
I really like the first two stanzas. s3 doesn't do it for me at all, and s4... hmm. s4 is decent. s3 really doesn't do it for me, though.
Re: Heaven Out Here by wilco	7-Mar-05/4:36 PM
"rivers'" -> "river's" Since you didn't capitalize the beginning of each line, it's a bit odd that you chose to after a semi-colon. A moderate collection of images, with a point, but they don't gel for me. It's too haphazardly stacatto.
Re: on the edge of creation by nentwined	7-Mar-05/4:31 PM
Hmm. Going back in--this could use some rhythm work. The deerflies are out of place. Though I still like most of it. That's certainly a bonus.
Re: Heart Attack by ShaNoN+960317485	7-Mar-05/4:28 PM
I liked some of the breathless feel to it, but came out more like a minor (yeah, there's no such thing--stil...) asthma attack than anything thoughtforcing. While somewhat atypical in exactly how it feels forced, it doesn't work for me.
Re: a comment on Sleep does my eyes by nentwined	7-Mar-05/4:23 PM
I'm glad it does. I like to find a trickling, bouncing, burbling rhythm in everything. Dance, really. But dance is music. :)
Re: Amphetamine Witches & Scrabble by Bachus	2-Mar-05/4:24 PM
This is a lot of fun.
Re: Pennies by woodstock20000	22-Feb-05/9:31 AM
I like the thought; think perhaps the poem would work better if you just started it at "I used to always think", maybe ending one with one last line summarizing the cut lines--"I grieve for those lost days"
Re: Garage sale by INTRANSIT	16-Feb-05/11:00 PM
:HEH: very cute. :)
Re: black dog by wilco	20-Jan-05/7:40 PM
lamplight's glow ;) definitely a lot of interesting imagery here, though you've lost me with what's going on. someone suggests murder, and I suppose I could see that--but not enough. "black dog" makes me think (of a friend, firstly, but after that) maybe--a hit and run... or a car crash (oil slick, and chasing shadows). Well, the words give me a car crash, the dog makes me think hit and run. Can you tell I'm really, really lost? I'd like a few more crumbs of detail to piece the puzzle together.
Re: a comment on You tell me by RION12	15-Jan-05/4:39 AM
live -> leave (I think?) wisper -> whisper
Re: Disturbed Destiny by misheila	15-Jan-05/1:45 AM
I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too". Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.
Re: You tell me by RION12	14-Jan-05/9:28 PM
Though anything can be endlessly argued to death, spelling things properly really helps in my world. Beyond that--the strange rhyme you have going on grates a bit on my ears, and the rhythm is very odd (perhaps Dovina would use the word 'chunky'). There's a lot that goes on in a poem, some of it intentional, some of it "just the way it is", and that all has to be weighed. You might try exploring the senses a bit more than you have them here--help us feel your cry, your fear, show us what is haunting you, whisper the love so we can feel its timbre. What colors, sights, sounds, smells are there? These are just my thoughts, of course.
Re: a comment on Into My World by sliver	22-Dec-04/2:36 AM
With their snot.
Re: This chaotic mind by Bobjim	21-Dec-04/3:49 PM
You did an amazing job or horrible rhymes and nailing the (limited) point through the coffin well into the opposite end of the world. It seems like you're mind's pretty organized if it can hammer on that one point 10 rhyming lines. Or is it just that you'd forgotten you'd written the previous two each time?