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Into My World (Acrostic) by sliver
Rosebuds seem pale in your presence even when wet with my tears no such beauty before or since ever came close-that's clear even Snow White would pale in your mirror. Beautiful down to the core light in the darkest night uncharted regions waiting to be explored everything about you feels right Emotions swell when you're near yearning to be unfurled everyone else seems to disappear since you've come into my world.

Up the ladder: On The Gay Beach
Down the ladder: Old Friends

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 1421
.. 31
.. 40
.. 61
.. 32
.. 11
.. 02
.. 10
.. 23
.. 00
.. 26

Arithmetic Mean: 7.232877
Weighted score: 7.232877
Overall Rank: 17
Posted: September 6, 2004 8:08 AM PDT; Last modified: September 6, 2004 8:08 AM PDT
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Fayt

Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 6-Sep-04/8:30 AM | Reply
How is this an acrostic? What do the first two lines mean? How does Snow White pale in one mirror more than in any mirror?

The last verse is nice.
[n/a] sliver @ 63.190.64.53 > Dovina | 6-Sep-04/10:12 AM | Reply
Renee Blue Eyes, The first letters in each line. I believe that makes it acrostic. The first two lines signify her beauty, and my attraction to it. And Snow White pales in Renee's mirror. You know, mirror mirror on the wall...
[7] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 > sliver | 7-Sep-04/10:02 AM | Reply
Far fetched, but some women like that sentimental stuff.
[8] avery @ 202.156.2.130 | 6-Sep-04/9:18 AM | Reply
Renee Blue Eyes. It's simple yet i fell that the words used were adequate in this instance. I think i particularly liked the first two and the last two lines. Well written, an acrostic that evokes emotion. But next time round, maybe you would like to stress upon certain lines. Good Work, an 8 over 10. And i did another one, review if you have the time.
[10] Dan garcia-Black @ 216.165.248.108 | 6-Sep-04/9:38 AM | Reply
Good poem about your feelings toward Renee. Last verse really says it.
[n/a] sliver @ 63.190.64.53 > Dan garcia-Black | 6-Sep-04/10:13 AM | Reply
Thank you Dan. Very much.
[9] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 66.213.67.10 | 7-Sep-04/9:52 AM | Reply
Loved the Renee Blue Eyes down the side bit.
[n/a] sliver @ 63.190.80.194 > thepinkbunnyofdoom | 7-Sep-04/10:21 AM | Reply
It's not real easy to write like this, I thought it came out fairly well
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.154.163.133 | 7-Sep-04/6:14 PM | Reply
Acrusted
[10] arduinn @ 165.21.83.230 | 7-Sep-04/10:55 PM | Reply
I especially like the last verse.. Good work here..
[9] deleted user @ 4.131.20.149 | 17-Sep-04/5:31 PM | Reply
Lovely. I don't know why the first comment(ator?)(is that the word?) thought it was too sentimental. No no no. It's not syrupy, it's romantic, and there is a different. Of course, one must be careful with teh romantic, because the line between it and sickly sweet is thin. But it does exist.

Fine hidden message. Fine, simple, genuine. I don't love the acrostic format, my acrostic poem 'Late, December', posted earlier today, was a class assignment. But I hadn't been writing in awhile, and it was a good catalyst in its ridgidity. Most poems with clever, hidden messages make me cringe. This one didn't, and that's great.

My only suggestions: you use pale twice in the first stanza. Perhaps there's another synonym that would expel needless repetition. Also, last two lines are great but "since you've come into my world" possibly borders on cliche. It's the only thing. I like the idea, but perhaps you can give it more specific phrasing, like "since you walked through my door" or something. Saying the same, but in more exact imagistic language. In any case, 9/10. Oh, and sorry this is so long.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.67 | 31-Oct-04/8:49 AM | Reply
Pale is used twice in the 1st stanza. Keep the rose buds. Snow white /pale washes itself out.

The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e
words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again.

S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one.
and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from.

The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good.
If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it.

Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.
[8] celticskatermatt1 @ 68.7.187.148 | 12-Nov-04/12:36 PM | Reply
very emotional
[6] Bachus @ 24.130.62.63 | 28-Nov-04/7:53 PM | Reply
As opposed to into Uranus?
I'm sorry but this is so ransacked with cliche,
and trite nonsense that it's practically a
zit cream commercial.

For instance:

"Rosebuds seem pale in your presence
even when wet with my tears"

Okay, what kind of fuck munch cries on a rose?
Do you normally walk into a garden and find a rose to water with your contrived tears of woe?

Your an ass.

"Emotions swell when you're near
yearning to be unfurled"

I love your language here.
Makes you sound like a black porn star
named Harry Homellete.
[7] Bhaskaryya @ 210.214.171.163 | 21-Dec-04/7:43 AM | Reply
Renee Blue Eyes!! Dedication your love surely!!

Flowed pretty well towards the end but there was something wrong with the flow initially. Honestly, the 2nd line needs work.

Good work though, I love acrostics. I have many of my own. Hopefully I'd post them soon.
[7] Bhaskaryya @ 210.214.171.163 | 21-Dec-04/7:45 AM | Reply
I meant to put "Dedication TO your love...". A typo!!
[0] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 21-Dec-04/4:34 PM | Reply
Any fuck that cries on a rose, and then tries to turn it into shit poetry should be SHOT.
[2] nentwined @ 64.81.38.95 > horus8 | 22-Dec-04/2:36 AM | Reply
With their snot.
[10] dancin_n_da_moonlite @ 205.188.116.139 | 2-Apr-05/11:11 AM | Reply
this is so beautiful
[5] ay deee @ 24.255.87.123 | 3-Sep-05/8:45 PM | Reply
if i were reneee, i would take you to bed right now, but since i am not, i just want to know what exactly it is about renee you like so much, why is she so beautiful?
i like the form a bit
5
[10] deleted user @ 207.200.116.65 | 13-Oct-05/5:25 PM | Reply
Here is another 10.
1156 view(s)




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