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hard as a rock (Villanelle) by <~> She fell on him like a Mayan maid,
With no regard for dignity;
And so, her inner self displayed.
Her mother, sisters, she betrayed
When she, her lust, set finally free:
She fell on him like a Mayan maid.
In the heat, their bodies swayed.
She sacrificed her sanctity
And so, her inner self displayed.
Other girls would be afraid
To partake in such debauchery:
She fell on him like a Mayan maid.
From her purpose, she had strayed,
As, his lunges, she did parry
And so, her inner self displayed.
The coupling finally made her crazed--
Crazed, and ultimately weary:
She fell on him like a Mayan maid
And so, her inner self displayed.
Up the ladder:
Into My World
Down the ladder:
Reminder of Failure
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.2352943
Posted: March 13, 2003 1:09 PM PST; Last modified: March 13, 2003 1:09 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.9688406 Overall Rank: 116 Comments:
[n/a]
lastobelus @ 217.82.2.223
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13-Mar-03/2:06 PM
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Reply
luscious and lascivious. I read it in all the wrong ways (I know a little bit about those Mayans)
[n/a]
<~> @ 167.206.181.179
> lastobelus
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13-Mar-03/2:12 PM
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Reply
wrong is right, oh follower of the penultimate.
brilliant, as usual.
SALACIOUS, YOU DISGUST ME AND I WANT YOU BABY
i need more than 8, if you want a good spanking, baby.
God your horny tonight, ice the red I'm coming over.
i'm giving it a nine, even if it's to him.
h, help me title this? i'm not happy with it the way it is.
HARD AS A SOCK
that one's in the works, just for you, o mysterious one.
Hard as a smock?
just for you, yes.
do you mind sharing the spotlight? a little?
I do blieve you've got the villanelle down pat.
I love you all.
You may have a 9 zzinnia
Jr, You are a Dick
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I'm so pig-headed, I don't understand the end. I particulary like the 5th stanza and the way you single her out from the rest of the women.
Vilanelles are so restrictive, I doubt I could ever write even a bad one.
Best vilanelle I've seen on this site to date. As in the greats--"Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" being the example that leaps foremost to mind--you make the structure feel natural and sensible instead of painfully forced. That isn't easy to do.
That being said, I do have a small complaint. In the final two stanzas, the second line in each breaks from the established rhythm. "Parry" and "weary" are both stressed on the penultimate syllable, whereas every other line in the poem is stressed on the final syllable. Read it aloud; you'll hear it. Other than that, wonderful, wonderful.
thank you, thank you.
i assure you, the meter stop was intentional. i like to put the breaks on, now and again. i know it fucks with the meter, but it also slows the poem down enough for it to end, tightly. i have received a lot of criticism about my uneven meter; hell, i've had a lot of rejections with that comment. maybe someday i will decide that they were right and i was wrong. today is not that day.
"When she, her lust, set finally free:" Yeah, the curse of the wood nymph. My Mother has it too, but see, as for me? I'm sick and tired of 'fucking' around. Love is so much more than the way mortals approach it. I'm working on my first novel. And I'm calling it "The Motherfuckers". It's going to be #1 on the best seller list in 2007. I had a dream.
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