Poemranker [Replying] Sat Nov 23 05:35:37 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Rosebuds seem pale in your presence even when wet with my tears no such beauty before or since ever came close-that's clear even Snow White would pale in your mirror. Beautiful down to the core light in the darkest night uncharted regions waiting to be explored everything about you feels right Emotions swell when you're near yearning to be unfurled everyone else seems to disappear since you've come into my world.

mmm

17-Sep-04/5:31 PM

Lovely. I don't know why the first comment(ator?)(is that the word?) thought it was too sentimental. No no no. It's not syrupy, it's romantic, and there is a different. Of course, one must be careful with teh romantic, because the line between it and sickly sweet is thin. But it does exist.

Fine hidden message. Fine, simple, genuine. I don't love the acrostic format, my acrostic poem 'Late, December', posted earlier today, was a class assignment. But I hadn't been writing in awhile, and it was a good catalyst in its ridgidity. Most poems with clever, hidden messages make me cringe. This one didn't, and that's great.

My only suggestions: you use pale twice in the first stanza. Perhaps there's another synonym that would expel needless repetition. Also, last two lines are great but "since you've come into my world" possibly borders on cliche. It's the only thing. I like the idea, but perhaps you can give it more specific phrasing, like "since you walked through my door" or something. Saying the same, but in more exact imagistic language. In any case, 9/10. Oh, and sorry this is so long.

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