INTRANSIT31 Oct 2004

Pale is used twice in the 1st stanza. Keep the rose buds. Snow white /pale washes itself out.

The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e
words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again.

S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one.
and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from.

The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good.
If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it.

Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.