Re: Warlord by INTRANSIT	5-Sep-08/6:50 PM
Pablo Escobar. I think the last line should be: "I'd have been better than Pablo." And may I suggest the title "Rebirth & Cocaine Jungles."?
Re: Time to leap by hobojo	5-Sep-08/7:02 PM
I think you should cut out "for that place" and simply end S4 with "better to wait." Also, its "damn", not "dam".-- Instead of "do not look back", use the contraction -don't-. Also I think the line "so far have you come" would be better edited to "you've come so far"-- It's a tad cliche but it sounds better and sometimes these things can not be avoided. Some capitalization and punctuation wouldn't hurt either, but it's not absolutely necessary.
Re: Hum by Nepanthe	5-Sep-08/7:10 PM
This should be termed either a "micro poem" or a "teaser poem". It seems as if you conjured up an awesome outline of a mighty centurions' head and never got around to giving him a body in which to conduct battle. I demand that this warrior be given flesh, blood, and a wicked keen blade!! I want to say eight, or even nine at this point;- but since you left your behemoth wanting, I am forced to give this a five.
Re: GOD'S MOST WONDERFUL CREATION by iowajerms	5-Sep-08/7:23 PM
No. This is not your local Church choir, this is not Hallmarks Superlative Christians' Division. This is the Ranker:- A mighty kingdom where the most ruthless of warrior poets reside and conduct the ritual of courtly battle. Your "poem" is a disgrace to our proud temple of literature. So I say: "BEGONE FROM THIS MIGHTY KINGDOM, AND DO NOT DARE PRESENT YOUR LOWLY SPECTRE BEFORE OUR MIGHTY EYES EVER AGAIN!"
Re: WISHES SHE COULD FORGET and FLOWERS BY THE ROCK by iowajerms	5-Sep-08/7:40 PM
The whole narrative first poem is unneccesary baggage. Dump it in the grave from whence it sprung. My advice for the second poem? Redo it and utter this phrase with devotion, in the manner of holy mantra: "Cleave away the rot, preserve the nutritive flesh of this piteous slab of crude meat; see to it that thy fellow warrior may feast and be satiated with potent substance."
Re: BEHIND HIS BOWED HEAD by iowajerms	5-Sep-08/8:33 PM
Repetive displays of title are annoying. Unneccesary capitalization irritates my savage soul. I'm going to reshape this, since I feel that this peice possesses substance worthy of salvation: -Redemption on the mat.- I watch as he sits alone on the last chair, hands clasped behind his bowed head-- body drenched with sweat, hair disheveled, struggling painfully to catch his breath. He left the mat without his pride, without victory, the confidence he had stepping in manifestly absent. He started the match in the best shape of his life, brawnier now than ever. He started out strong, then at the end he just froze. Should have won, but he didn't, having not done his best. He allowed arrogance to hold sway, failing to utilize the depths of his skills and training. Wiping away the tears he sighs, sucking in the shame, knowing that he will never forget this failure. This lesson has prepared him; his opponent will know of it the next time he steps on the mat, and feel the pain of past mistakes. ------------------------------------------- Here's a six for conjuring up something worth writing.
Re: travel down, stop sign by skaskowski	14-Dec-08/11:03 PM
Seems like the ending needs fine tuning.. or perhaps I'm just itching at ghosts.
Re: Watching December's Wind by dclark	14-Dec-08/11:06 PM
Grasping at straw in the wind. It wasn't that quaint.
Re: Waking by Sasha	14-Dec-08/11:09 PM
I say scrap this as a sonnet and slash s1 and let s2 stand alone. Just my opinion.
Re: 2012 by winniss	14-Dec-08/11:13 PM
... No, no. You're not doing it right. Ever hear of haiku? Fuck, I'll do it for you.
Re: Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub	7-Mar-09/2:19 PM
"Soon, or much later": Pick either _soon_, or _much later_. It gnaws at me. That aside, it's a exquisite piece that's got a lot of soul and personal depth. Nine.
Re: prove me wrong by nentwined	7-Mar-09/2:26 PM
I think the title should be "Pessimism & Projections.". The poem is direct, simple-- lacking perhaps a little creative flare it still possesses the savage spark none-the-less. Eight.
Re: the end of the world, c'est soir by Bill Z Bub	7-Mar-09/2:29 PM
Robotic spasms! Tsk. Seven.
Re: 2am and sober in the digital age by nentwined	7-Mar-09/2:33 PM
I think you should play with it more.. doesn't quite snap-pop like zen. Seven.
Re: the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub	7-Mar-09/2:37 PM
I lived that moment once before... and many times after. The poem doesn't feel random or lacking to me at all. Then again, I'm perhaps an altogether different breed. Ten.
Re: harvest moon by Caducus	7-Mar-09/2:44 PM
Plenty of imagery, esoteric symbolism and word play-- unfortunately crouched in the shadows, vague near to the point of meaninglessness. Seven.
Re: Dream Samurai by Lifeboatman	7-Mar-09/2:47 PM
Make it a glass pipe and we got something. Seven.
Re: for the slaves and the seekers by Bill Z Bub	7-Mar-09/2:55 PM
I say we prefer rough'n dirty penetration 'cause it's better than solitary masturbation!
Re: brain cookies by nentwined	7-Mar-09/3:00 PM
Tsk tsk. Have you ever sampled the delights of a Shit-Crumpet good sir? Its delectable flavour causes one to dismiss entirely all other confections available to the senses-- and of this I can assure you!
Re: 9 Things to Eat for Breakfast & Why by A. Nomaly	7-Mar-09/3:05 PM
Yeah, I've endured that diet... I suspect my guts will rumble one day in revolt.