on GOD'S MOST WONDERFUL CREATION by iowajerms
5 Sep 2008, 7:23 PM
No. This is not your local Church choir, this is not Hallmarks Superlative Christians' Division.
This is the Ranker:- A mighty kingdom where the most ruthless of warrior poets reside and conduct the ritual of courtly battle. Your "poem" is a disgrace to our proud temple of literature. So I say:
"BEGONE FROM THIS MIGHTY KINGDOM, AND DO NOT DARE PRESENT YOUR LOWLY SPECTRE BEFORE OUR MIGHTY EYES EVER AGAIN!"
This is the Ranker:- A mighty kingdom where the most ruthless of warrior poets reside and conduct the ritual of courtly battle. Your "poem" is a disgrace to our proud temple of literature. So I say:
"BEGONE FROM THIS MIGHTY KINGDOM, AND DO NOT DARE PRESENT YOUR LOWLY SPECTRE BEFORE OUR MIGHTY EYES EVER AGAIN!"
on Time to leap by hobojo
5 Sep 2008, 7:02 PM
I think you should cut out "for that place" and simply end S4 with "better to wait." Also, its "damn", not "dam".-- Instead of "do not look back", use the contraction -don't-. Also I think the line "so far have you come" would be better edited to "you've come so far"-- It's a tad cliche but it sounds better and sometimes these things can not be avoided.
Some capitalization and punctuation wouldn't hurt either, but it's not absolutely necessary.
Some capitalization and punctuation wouldn't hurt either, but it's not absolutely necessary.
This should be termed either a "micro poem" or a "teaser poem". It seems as if you conjured up an awesome outline of a mighty centurions' head and never got around to giving him a body in which to conduct battle. I demand that this warrior be given flesh, blood, and a wicked keen blade!!
I want to say eight, or even nine at this point;- but since you left your behemoth wanting, I am forced to give this a five.
I want to say eight, or even nine at this point;- but since you left your behemoth wanting, I am forced to give this a five.
on BEHIND HIS BOWED HEAD by iowajerms
5 Sep 2008, 8:33 PM
Repetive displays of title are annoying. Unneccesary capitalization irritates my savage soul.
I'm going to reshape this, since I feel that this peice possesses substance worthy of salvation:
-Redemption on the mat.-
I watch as he sits alone
on the last chair, hands clasped
behind his bowed head-- body drenched
with sweat, hair disheveled, struggling
painfully to catch his breath.
He left the mat without his pride,
without victory, the confidence
he had stepping in manifestly absent.
He started the match
in the best shape of his life,
brawnier now than ever.
He started out strong, then
at the end he just froze.
Should have won, but he didn't,
having not done his best.
He allowed arrogance to hold sway,
failing to utilize the depths
of his skills and training.
Wiping away the tears he sighs,
sucking in the shame, knowing that
he will never forget this failure.
This lesson has prepared him;
his opponent will know of it
the next time he steps on the mat,
and feel the pain of past mistakes.
----------------------------------------
Here's a six for conjuring up something worth writing.
I'm going to reshape this, since I feel that this peice possesses substance worthy of salvation:
-Redemption on the mat.-
I watch as he sits alone
on the last chair, hands clasped
behind his bowed head-- body drenched
with sweat, hair disheveled, struggling
painfully to catch his breath.
He left the mat without his pride,
without victory, the confidence
he had stepping in manifestly absent.
He started the match
in the best shape of his life,
brawnier now than ever.
He started out strong, then
at the end he just froze.
Should have won, but he didn't,
having not done his best.
He allowed arrogance to hold sway,
failing to utilize the depths
of his skills and training.
Wiping away the tears he sighs,
sucking in the shame, knowing that
he will never forget this failure.
This lesson has prepared him;
his opponent will know of it
the next time he steps on the mat,
and feel the pain of past mistakes.
----------------------------------------
Here's a six for conjuring up something worth writing.
on WISHES SHE COULD FORGET and FLOWERS BY THE ROCK by iowajerms
5 Sep 2008, 7:40 PM
The whole narrative first poem is unneccesary baggage.
Dump it in the grave from whence it sprung.
My advice for the second poem? Redo it and utter this phrase with devotion, in the manner of holy mantra:
"Cleave away the rot, preserve the nutritive flesh of this piteous slab of crude meat; see to it that thy fellow warrior may feast and be satiated with potent substance."
Dump it in the grave from whence it sprung.
My advice for the second poem? Redo it and utter this phrase with devotion, in the manner of holy mantra:
"Cleave away the rot, preserve the nutritive flesh of this piteous slab of crude meat; see to it that thy fellow warrior may feast and be satiated with potent substance."
on Watching December's Wind by dclark
14 Dec 2008, 11:06 PM
Grasping at straw in the wind. It wasn't that quaint.
on travel down, stop sign by skaskowski
14 Dec 2008, 11:03 PM
Seems like the ending needs fine tuning.. or perhaps I'm just itching at ghosts.
on prove me wrong by nentwined
7 Mar 2009, 2:26 PM
I think the title should be "Pessimism & Projections.".
The poem is direct, simple-- lacking perhaps a little creative flare it still possesses the savage spark none-the-less.
Eight.
The poem is direct, simple-- lacking perhaps a little creative flare it still possesses the savage spark none-the-less.
Eight.
on the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub
7 Mar 2009, 2:37 PM
I lived that moment once before... and many times after. The poem doesn't feel random or lacking to me at all. Then again, I'm perhaps an altogether different breed. Ten.
on Dream Samurai by Lifeboatman
7 Mar 2009, 2:47 PM
Make it a glass pipe and we got something. Seven.
on brain cookies by nentwined
7 Mar 2009, 3:00 PM
Tsk tsk. Have you ever sampled the delights of a Shit-Crumpet good sir? Its delectable flavour causes one to dismiss entirely all other confections available to the senses-- and of this I can assure you!
on 9 Things to Eat for Breakfast & Why by A. Nomaly
7 Mar 2009, 3:05 PM
Yeah, I've endured that diet... I suspect my guts will rumble one day in revolt.
on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
7 Mar 2009, 2:19 PM
"Soon, or much later": Pick either _soon_, or _much later_. It gnaws at me.
That aside, it's a exquisite piece that's got a lot of soul and personal depth. Nine.
That aside, it's a exquisite piece that's got a lot of soul and personal depth. Nine.
on the end of the world, c'est soir by Bill Z Bub
7 Mar 2009, 2:29 PM
Robotic spasms! Tsk. Seven.
on 2am and sober in the digital age by nentwined
7 Mar 2009, 2:33 PM
I think you should play with it more.. doesn't quite snap-pop like zen. Seven.
on harvest moon by Caducus
7 Mar 2009, 2:44 PM
Plenty of imagery, esoteric symbolism and word play-- unfortunately crouched in the shadows, vague near to the point of meaninglessness. Seven.
on for the slaves and the seekers by Bill Z Bub
7 Mar 2009, 2:55 PM
I say we prefer rough'n dirty penetration
'cause it's better than solitary masturbation!
'cause it's better than solitary masturbation!
I think the last line should be:
"I'd have been better than Pablo."
And may I suggest the title "Rebirth & Cocaine Jungles."?