Re: a comment on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:08 PM
changed it to "mating paths" to make it clearer that i'm talking about the turtles tugs are used to bring in big ships for docking, if the ship were leaving it wouldn't need tugs this is how the guy figures out that it's homecoming
Re: You've Given Me by broken_wing11	27-Jan-04/12:33 PM
too sweet and your rhymes come too fast and blunt
Re: My happy warm faith poem by Jeremi B. Handrinos	27-Jan-04/12:28 PM
don't you mean supple instead of subtle? i don't see anything subtle about her breasts personally of course, i'm sure that could just be part of the joke
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	27-Jan-04/12:23 PM
husk??? where's Dark Angel when you need him? seriously though, while this is written fine with no serious problems i just didn't feel anything your word choice is a bit boring as are your imagery and i don't know that you really have anything to say here
Re: a comment on Winter Is Coming For Me by Goad	27-Jan-04/9:21 AM
i'd have to disagree i think a lyric piece can be wonderful and avoid cliché anyway, why write jokes when you could write something great?
Re: To those that would teach poetry by INTRANSIT	26-Jan-04/8:30 PM
nice "FU" one note, "Its" instead of "It's"
Re: Do The Wash, Love by heartlessempath	26-Jan-04/8:28 PM
i don't think you need "(the anti-moth)" it doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem and i think most people can figure out what you mean anyway the metaphor is very consistent and you pull it off well
Re: World policy by penguin fiend	26-Jan-04/8:06 PM
Your poem a tomb Your life my strife Please stop this slop
Re: I hope it hurts by pretty_poet_21	26-Jan-04/8:04 PM
i tried to leave a comment before but it gave me an error basically, i think you are telling way too much you need to show us more give an incident before and after the breakup to illustrate your pain hint at your want for him to hurt as much as you do let the reader infer that even though you hurt so much you secretly want him to come back to you
Re: The Upside-Down Frown by fevriere	26-Jan-04/7:43 PM
the first line is cool bitter-sweet decay and thorn crown are way over used and do not help you here eyes plasticated is brilliant sadly, like others have said i have no clue what you are trying to say
Re: Make Love to Me by drumrgirl30	26-Jan-04/7:42 PM
"body, heart & soul"??? come on, i know you know that this has got to be the worlds most cliche word combo don't you know this??? ugh, this is putrid
Re: a comment on Just Passing Through by southernboy71	26-Jan-04/7:38 PM
ok, fine i didn't get any of that information from this poem though i'm just saying you would do well to sprinkle in some concrete imagery
Re: Winter Is Coming For Me by Goad	26-Jan-04/6:54 PM
first stanza: its instead of it's i really dislike the entire second stanza, it feels very cliche compared to the rest of the piece third stanza: barren feels too dramatic i thought of this as a potential replacement when i read that line: Leaving my horizon undone. which leads nicely into the next stanza with the sun setting also, nice refrain at the end
Re: Lullaby by Goad	26-Jan-04/6:49 PM
i agree with z about the war line it doesn't fit and feels cliché unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal) and if so, that should be more obvious and even then, i don't know the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation personally i would capitalize "Daddy" and break into a new stanza after that sequence additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed
Re: Yea u guys by That One	26-Jan-04/6:39 PM
um, yeah... this is just... yeah... SO bad and hey, if you don't like getting ranked go post your crap somewhere else makes things easier on all of us that way, don't you think?
Re: I Go On by drumrgirl30	26-Jan-04/6:37 PM
slant rhyme, enjambment, please use these techniques this is also a great candidate for the split couplet form and i think it would really pick up the pace and fit your theme well also, show us WHY you feel this way and have to keep it all bottled inside
Re: Just Passing Through by southernboy71	26-Jan-04/6:34 PM
i read in your comments that this was written when you were "at the top of Mt. Eagle in Tenn." at a truck stop throw in some specifics about that place to make this more interesting right now it reads more like monologue than poetry
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/5:45 PM
problem solved, i went with vignette, which goes nicely with "picture portrait" and implies that the ornate decoration is standing out lonely because the actual photo doesn't measure up
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/5:34 PM
hmmm, i think that'd be too obvious
Re: a comment on Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/5:31 PM
huh? everyone knows it's tusks, not husks like wither'd tusks in the moonlight