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The Upside-Down Frown (Free verse) by fevriere The upside-down frown smashed quicker than the pulse
Into the bitter-sweetest decay, the hottest grey slide
A thorn crown, dragged for curiosity, through
the focus of eyes plasticated, buried elsewhere.
Up the ladder:
Pathetic lill' me..
Down the ladder:
Yard Birds
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.2
Posted: January 25, 2004 7:27 AM PST; Last modified: January 25, 2004 7:27 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0238404 Overall Rank: 7414 Comments:
the first line is cool
bitter-sweet decay and thorn crown are way over used and do not help you here eyes plasticated is brilliant sadly, like others have said i have no clue what you are trying to say
That's great crit. Thank-you. I feel like reduxing now. :)
Slaggamuffin.
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fevriere, I share your fascination with binding words and ideas together that don't ordinarily appear in company, like amusing oneself trying to push magnets together with the same pole facing, but by themselves these little word games rarely do anything for anyone except the writer. Try doing it just once in an otherwise concrete pome. Like building a framework to hold the magnets in exactly the unnatural but interesting apposition you wish to capture. (when you're successful at this, please come back and teach me how to do it too)