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Kernel of truth (Free verse) by annabellee
It’s the force of pressure Makes her escape. To seek freedom To burn, Like a husk Before embers. She melts in the flow of pure enjoyment submerged in it, Like a handmaiden of power: an accidental desire, breaking down ideas ruled by none save creation to grasp herself from the observer. Should you bind her without question she will buck and kick, Like a mare In confinement Of a cell she cannot see. She knew what to decline There is no prison In her core: She is free

Up the ladder: Bus Fare Home
Down the ladder: Raining in Dream

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.857143
Weighted score: 5.230521
Overall Rank: 4246
Posted: January 27, 2004 11:11 AM PST; Last modified: January 27, 2004 11:11 AM PST
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Comments:
[2] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 | 27-Jan-04/12:23 PM | Reply
husk??? where's Dark Angel when you need him?
seriously though, while this is written fine
with no serious problems
i just didn't feel anything
your word choice is a bit boring
as are your imagery
and i don't know that you really have anything to say here
[n/a] Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199 > andrewjthomas | 9-Feb-04/7:48 AM | Reply
You suck whole lung fulls of cum out of wizened old men's bums.
[2] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > Stephen Robins | 9-Feb-04/8:33 AM | Reply
yeah, yeah, whatever
go troll someone else you no-talent ass clown
[7] irishfolksuicide @ 81.178.235.157 | 27-Jan-04/1:23 PM | Reply
Try with a couple of startling images. Otherwise the poem is quite difficult to grasp. Not badly written.
[8] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 | 27-Jan-04/1:31 PM | Reply
"She melts in the flow" - this is odd, but ultimately passable.

The part from "bind her" to "cannot see" is the poem's best, but needs different punctuation.

I deleted your two (by editing, not maliciously) from my last post. You can go redo it if you want. I'd be really happy if you made a comment while you were at it.

[4] god'swife @ 67.73.33.189 | 28-Jan-04/11:43 AM | Reply
More focus please. i lose my way from 'burning embers...' to 'Should you bind her...' can you stay with one metaphor, or at least build a segue? You also say 'ruled by none...to grasp herself from the observer' that makes no sense. also 'She knew what to decline' seems inappropriate for someone who's being threatened by imprisonment. It's all over the place. Focus.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 163.1.146.87 | 9-Feb-04/5:27 AM | Reply
Never before has the arbitrary indentation been wielded with such senseless aplomb. -10-
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