Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/3:09 PM
and there's your vote again and i seriously don't mean to be an ass
Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/2:57 PM
i agree that a poem should not be so obtuse that you can't figure out what it's trying to say however, i also think a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note, that everything you need to get is in the poem itself however, even with everything in the poem, it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader, no hand holding i just find it more rewarding as a reader if i discover the meaning rather than being told the meaning of course, this is just my opinion, and when make something as subjective as an opinion about something as equally subjective in definition as poetry, it's bound to be wrong to more than a few people and i certainly don't claim to be any expert sorry if i'm being too critical here, you can feel free to tell me to shut up whenever
Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/2:48 PM
what do you mean?
Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/2:47 PM
on second read, the first hard rhyme is fine but i would remove "So you won't be dead already" i think that's a bit too much telling we can already infer that she's dead when we get to that line i have no idea what to say about the gray light/daylight thing :)
Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/2:36 PM
on second read the first instance (stoplight/midnights) works i would leave that alone i would also remove "So you won't be dead already" i think there are enough clues in the poem so you don't have to spell it out like that
Re: Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/11:57 AM
personally, i would lose the explanation at the beginning we should figure it out on our own stoplight/midnight and light/daylight are hard rhymes and should not be so close together i also think "it's the coming, i think, of daylight" feels out of place and is awkwardly worded you don't really use that kind of syntax anywhere else all that said, once again, you right good stuff
Re: a comment on Come off with me Carly back into the city by zodiac	28-Jan-04/11:55 AM
i actually like "fellow" it implies fellowship her ghost is keeping you company i think it completely works with the rest of the piece
Re: Cecelia by Nicholas Monson	27-Jan-04/4:06 PM
most excellent i think "missiles" does not fit but that's the only thing i can find fault with "An Audrey Hepburn with a Viking gene" is SUCH an inspired line, i love it
Re: Darkness by Felzpoet	27-Jan-04/3:59 PM
not quite a sonnet - must be 14 lines also, needs iambic pentameter the repetition is forced and elementary however, you do make a nice turn at the end
Re: Aphrodite (edited) by Caducus	27-Jan-04/3:57 PM
need to work on your iambic pentameter a bit also, it doesn't really speak to me, but i think that's just because i don't care much for this particular mythology
Re: The woods house by zodiac	27-Jan-04/3:52 PM
wow, just wow i feel like a humble ass clown in comparison my one teeny tiny note would be that i enjoyed the breaks that spanned the stanzas and wished that all the stanzas did that going back and forth was only slightly jarring i think in general though, your breaks are great and really adds to the feel
Re: Hollywood Blue by Mona Lisa	27-Jan-04/3:43 PM
First stanza - L4: personally I would change this to : And popsicle-peeled. L6&7: pink champagne AND fizzy pop seems like too much unless you add a but: They give her pink champagne But she asked for fizzy pop Second stanza is great Third stanza - L5: misspelling - fetal L6: "Father Figure" is WAY too obvious L7: this entire last line is also WAY too obvious and a bit of a let down for the culmination of this piece many people write poems about junkies and heroin this is a fairly decent portrayal of the starlett seduced by drugs i would just fix the few things i mentioned less is more, it really is
Re: a comment on sunday morning precarious by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/3:26 PM
i replaced it with the virginia beach poem i got tired of waiting to post something and now that i know the strange smell comes from eating asparagus it just doesn't seem as cool anymore
Re: a comment on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:43 PM
that's ok, i can handle opposing advice how about "he wonders if the turtles can feel his longing"?
Re: a comment on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:42 PM
w00t
Re: a comment on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:38 PM
i love the seaweed suggestion, edit has already been made thanks so much
Re: a comment on Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:26 PM
hmm, tweaked again i'm a little sad to lose the word play of "sees" but i think you're right as for the ending, i'm not sure how to change it "how the turtles feel" is sorta the climax
Re: P.M.S. by Princess_Snowflake	27-Jan-04/2:16 PM
this is better than the coffee poem you at least make the repetition work for you here
Re: A morning conflict by INTRANSIT	27-Jan-04/2:14 PM
i just don't like the double-use of "urn" give us something different there please otherwise, very fun read
Re: a comment on I smell coffee by Princess_Snowflake	27-Jan-04/2:13 PM
oh yes, please "wright" them, but for the love of god don't write them!