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Come off with me Carly back into the city (Lyric) by zodiac
- "It's a game," she said. "A what?" "A game - next time we go under a yellow light, touch something metal - like, I don't know, the roof - and say 'Great sex'. And you'll have great sex." "With you?" I said. "Don't be silly." Come off with me Carly Back into the city. We might Drive the empty streets 'til early, Ride back under yellow stoplights, So the summer comes undone. For this wild night I've come unsettled: Come on out! The night is pearly, Wind is blowing white pear petals Across the lawn; and if I'm steady We can un-touch parts of metal Under every yellow stoplight – Un-exist a month of midnights So you won't be dead already – If you'll come back with me Carly To the city once again – All this I pray. The wind, it eddies In a field of yellow nettles By the churchyard that is Carly's, And the church with creeping charlie Rustles in the dark. And then I head on back into the city, Tired and thinking she'd have surely Died another way as early If it wasn't that. And Carly Sits beside me, keeps me fellow, Making all the stoplights yellow While the sky turns flat with gray light - It's the coming, I think, of daylight - And beside me still, a pretty Girl reminds me to be steady, Tells me sentiment is shitty: Touch the roof – and hurly-burly Over the city bursts the sun.

Up the ladder: Jokie Smurf
Down the ladder: A Year Later (edited a bit)

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 86
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.. 01
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.. 12
.. 02
.. 00
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.. 30
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.875
Weighted score: 6.873292
Overall Rank: 275
Posted: January 17, 2004 7:06 PM PST; Last modified: January 29, 2004 7:12 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] Lenore @ 64.252.107.161 | 28-Jan-04/8:55 AM | Reply
<keeps me fellow> I think mellow would work better here. Nice and depressing. 8
[n/a] zodiac @ 67.240.192.73 > Lenore | 28-Jan-04/8:58 AM | Reply
It was "sits beside me, smiling mellow" until about 15 minutes ago, when I had stared at it too long to know better.
[8] Lenore @ 64.252.107.161 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/9:02 AM | Reply
"keeps me mellow" sounds better when said aloud.
[n/a] zodiac @ 67.240.192.180 > Lenore | 28-Jan-04/9:06 AM | Reply
I'm still thinking about it.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/11:55 AM | Reply
i actually like "fellow"
it implies fellowship
her ghost is keeping you company
i think it completely works with the rest of the piece
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 | 28-Jan-04/11:57 AM | Reply
personally, i would lose the explanation at the beginning
we should figure it out on our own
stoplight/midnight and light/daylight are hard rhymes and should not be so close together
i also think "it's the coming, i think, of daylight" feels out of place and is awkwardly worded
you don't really use that kind of syntax anywhere else
all that said, once again, you right good stuff
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.44.144 > andrewjthomas | 28-Jan-04/2:34 PM | Reply
actually it's gray light and daylight. That's even harder.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:47 PM | Reply
on second read, the first hard rhyme is fine
but i would remove "So you won't be dead already"
i think that's a bit too much telling
we can already infer that she's dead when we get to that line
i have no idea what to say about the gray light/daylight thing :)
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.44.144 | 28-Jan-04/2:46 PM | Reply
ajt - this one's not supposed to be a puzzle. None of them are, really.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:48 PM | Reply
what do you mean?
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.44.144 > andrewjthomas | 28-Jan-04/2:52 PM | Reply
Poetry's not about what you can or can't infer like a puzzle. Usually, though, the headnote doesn't say that she got AIDS.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/2:57 PM | Reply
i agree that a poem should not be so obtuse that you can't figure out what it's trying to say
however, i also think a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note, that everything you need to get is in the poem itself
however, even with everything in the poem, it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader, no hand holding
i just find it more rewarding as a reader if i discover the meaning rather than being told the meaning
of course, this is just my opinion, and when make something as subjective as an opinion about something as equally subjective in definition as poetry, it's bound to be wrong to more than a few people
and i certainly don't claim to be any expert
sorry if i'm being too critical here, you can feel free to tell me to shut up whenever
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > andrewjthomas | 28-Jan-04/3:06 PM | Reply
"a good piece doesn't need an explanatory note" - agreed, I just wanted people to know about the cool yellow light game. ---
"it shouldn't be completely spelled out for the reader" - In the same way we say a person is obvious in their ordinary speech, like my little sister who (at 23) still says things like "it's raining" or "I saw a cat." Yet you wouldn't say we're normally cryptic in our speech. You see? You can just relate things. The note aside, "you won't be dead already" is completely different from "she'd have surely died..." And that's my favorite rhyme.
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > andrewjthomas | 28-Jan-04/3:07 PM | Reply
The note's changed. Though now I've erased your vote.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/3:09 PM | Reply
and there's your vote again
and i seriously don't mean to be an ass
[n/a] middenHeap @ 80.132.178.161 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/3:11 PM | Reply
It would much too much of a puzzle without the headnote -- but perhaps you could have a flashback bit between the first and second stanza where you show her doing the ritual?

I don't ordinarily care much for that gimmick myself, but the poem relying on a headnote is also not the best. No need to say it was a ritual, just show her touching metal parts of your car and saying "Great sex" and then perhaps telling you the next day whether it worked.
[n/a] zodiac @ 152.30.60.178 > middenHeap | 28-Jan-04/3:16 PM | Reply
Nah. Maybe the note just bugs you because it's so big. In the manuscript it's in really small font. Besides a note can be a part of the poem - or, like the notes Eliot included in 'The Waste Land, longer than the poem itself.
[8] Lenore @ 64.252.107.161 > zodiac | 28-Jan-04/4:35 PM | Reply
I preferred the original note.
[9] richa @ 81.178.216.97 > zodiac | 29-Jan-04/8:29 AM | Reply
Don't think the note is needed now the poem says 'untouch the metal' the part associated with sex is the part associated with regret.
[9] richa @ 81.178.216.97 | 29-Jan-04/8:31 AM | Reply
this poem really benefits from the introduction. To me the superstition, almost delusion contrasts really well with the sadness.
[10] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 | 29-Jan-04/10:37 AM | Reply
excellent
[9] <~> @ 64.252.164.251 | 3-May-04/9:01 PM | Reply
i like this. i like the cadence and the melancholy and the present that won't escape the past, here. and the gold, the yellow, everywhere, now, bursting.
[10] Bachus @ 24.130.62.63 | 4-Jun-04/12:18 PM | Reply
Why are you going to the Middle Yeast, not to change the subject, just curious, the raleigh song is quite awesome, by the way. When you watch Master and commander to you substitute everyone for prawns and darkangel like I do, try it, it's fantastic, pull out one of his pyrgaite stories, sub him in for Rustling crowe and add a mixture of prawnes, and vualla. (of course a dopple of mescaline helps maintain the said implied vibration required to keep a layering like that going). Very good for a laugh or a cry.
[n/a] zodiac @ 65.161.41.48 > Bachus | 4-Jun-04/4:48 PM | Reply
I'm going with the Peace Corps as a result of a gigantic enrollment scam. They told me I'd be stationed in Mayfair.

Thanks for the props. I've got a ton of decent songs, but the band's been at a standstill for the last month anyway, since the drummer and keyboardist decided to take us in "jazzier directions" - whatever the hell that means. Maybe I'll give it another shot when I get back, but I can't imagine wanting to. Give me a job writing, doing something where I don't have to submit myself to a half dozen others' stoned opinions all the time.

Or as some non-zero games theorist. That would be pretty ace.
[10] darylchew @ 202.156.2.130 | 30-Aug-04/10:21 AM | Reply
i admit it, youre darn good.
[10] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 2-Sep-04/10:40 PM | Reply
A finely crafted foam...
[n/a] Christof @ 217.44.77.236 | 3-Sep-04/8:36 AM | Reply
That is a very smooth performance hiding a heavy wieght of emotion. That's really great. And it sounds beautiful too.
[1] Edna Sweetlove @ 85.210.255.116 | 16-Jan-07/11:54 AM | Reply
How beat-y. 1/10
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