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A Year Later (edited a bit) (Villanelle) by Sasha Young child, why do you shiver so,
When warm beneath this bluest May?
Tell me. I'd give the world to know.
"None asked me that by winter's snow,
When in December's chills I lay:
Young child, why do you shiver so?"
Cold night was gone with morning though.
Why shiver in the dawn today?
Tell me. I'd give a world to know!
Your clothes are good. Kind winds that blow
Make you a beauty as they play...
Young child. why do you shiver so?
"None wondered as I froze below
A thin rag on a road of clay:
'Tell me. I'd give the world to know'
I shiver in joy, not cold. So go.
But why's it only *now* you say
'Young child, why do you shiver so?'
Tell me. I'd give a world know!"
Up the ladder:
Come off with me Carly back into the city
Down the ladder:
Her bloody diamonds
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.8846154
Posted: May 13, 2004 6:14 PM PDT; Last modified: May 15, 2004 2:45 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.872002 Overall Rank: 276 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Maryland? So close to the capital, too.
My condolences. Quality vill though.
in case you ask why I edited and trashed all your votes it was because the spelling errors in this villanelle threatened to send it to the bow'ls of Pinsky's horrid Inferno.
Please feel free to tell me what a wackjob I am Thank you
Fluff.
Raped in a Welsh duck pond late in November.
Why Welsh?
Want a twinkie?
One of the best villanelles I've read on the ranker - very traditional feel to it which gets bonus points :-) I'd find an alternative for the first 'shiver' in the final stanza, and you missed the last 'to' (that's not a criticism though, just a pedantic observation ;-)) Only other whinge I have is about the exclamation marks - personally I hate them in most poetry, but you might feel they're necessary to stay in keeping with the style. That's fair enough I guess, I won't derank it on that alone.
Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)
I like this, but it needs a little cleaning up and seems too repetitive, to me.
Line 5: do you REALLY not know the difference between "lay" and "lie"? How fucking tragic.
Yes, yes I do know the putative prescriptive difference between the two. "Lie" is intransitive present where as "lay" is either transative present or intransitive past. I had intransitive past in mind, my dear Dr. Toilet.
But honestly, I find it hard to care. Furthermore, I loathe linguistic prescriptivism as I find it to be ignorant and pseudointellectual. 590 view(s)
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Colorado can be like that.
Still, I understand the point. Screw the time of year, Charity knows no season.
My condolences