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A Year Later (edited a bit) (Villanelle) by Sasha

Young child, why do you shiver so, When warm beneath this bluest May? Tell me. I'd give the world to know. "None asked me that by winter's snow, When in December's chills I lay: Young child, why do you shiver so?" Cold night was gone with morning though. Why shiver in the dawn today? Tell me. I'd give a world to know! Your clothes are good. Kind winds that blow Make you a beauty as they play... Young child. why do you shiver so? "None wondered as I froze below A thin rag on a road of clay: 'Tell me. I'd give the world to know' I shiver in joy, not cold. So go. But why's it only *now* you say 'Young child, why do you shiver so?' Tell me. I'd give a world know!"

Ranger 5-Sep-06/11:40 PM
One of the best villanelles I've read on the ranker - very traditional feel to it which gets bonus points :-) I'd find an alternative for the first 'shiver' in the final stanza, and you missed the last 'to' (that's not a criticism though, just a pedantic observation ;-)) Only other whinge I have is about the exclamation marks - personally I hate them in most poetry, but you might feel they're necessary to stay in keeping with the style. That's fair enough I guess, I won't derank it on that alone.
Other than that? Stunning rhythm and it flows more or less perfectly (you might want to de-capitalise the start of line 14 to retain the grammatical consistency). This just has to be added to my favourites :-)




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