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Virginia Beach in Spring (Free verse) by andrewjthomas
Turtle trails along the wet sand leading back to the salt and sea. The air is wet and chill; the world wakes slowly. His pants rolled up three quarters, shoes discarded somewhere back at the car, He traces mating paths with caution. Waves rush to meet his feet just as the sun begins to yawn, "Good morning." As careful as he's been he didn't count on the tide being this strong, the ocean still cold from winter. On the horizon, an oiler is pulling in, or heading out, he can't tell which, Its running lights competing with the new day. Absent-minded seaweed clings to one leg, he wishes he were there - on the bridge or the forecastle, feeling the rush of wind. Homecoming or embarkment, the wind always felt the same - pure, refreshing, clean. He skips a sand dollar as tugs come to crowd the oiler to shore. So homecoming it is... and walking back to the car, he wonders if turtles feel longing.

Up the ladder: Regrets
Down the ladder: i blame me

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.75
Weighted score: 5.2086053
Overall Rank: 4446
Posted: April 29, 2003 2:53 PM PDT; Last modified: January 27, 2004 2:51 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 | 27-Jan-04/2:04 PM | Reply
"traces their path" - whose? The turtles', I guess, but I got confused for a minute. I thought it was the shoes' path. I'd make that clearer.

And the last part about the tugs is either badly worded or unnecesary. Especially wondering how the turtles feel. I like the idea, and can't decide if it's better left to the imagination (whether or not it's homecoming). No vote until I have more time to think.
[n/a] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:08 PM | Reply
changed it to "mating paths" to make it clearer that i'm talking about the turtles

tugs are used to bring in big ships for docking, if the ship were leaving it wouldn't need tugs
this is how the guy figures out that it's homecoming
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 > andrewjthomas | 27-Jan-04/2:20 PM | Reply
I get the tugs. It's just worded a little weird. "and sees", and "the turtles feel" particularly.
[n/a] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:26 PM | Reply
hmm, tweaked again
i'm a little sad to lose the word play of "sees" but i think you're right
as for the ending, i'm not sure how to change it
"how the turtles feel" is sorta the climax
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 > andrewjthomas | 27-Jan-04/2:35 PM | Reply
This is just me (and you should see what god'swife is saying about me for my post before you believe me) but I think the climax is over-played in poetry. Here, you (at least I) know what he feels like. I feel something, anyway, whether it's his feeling or not. Here's an idea: have him extend it into his life. Have him go home and get drunk, beat his wife, make love to a stranger, or something - then just end it with that, no moralizing, just events. Also, the way you changed the 'sees' line is much much better.
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:36 PM | Reply
Or end it with the turtles doing something. Not feeling, though.
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:37 PM | Reply
I realize this is the exact opposite of what god'swife is telling you. Maybe she has a good suggestion for the end.
[n/a] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:43 PM | Reply
that's ok, i can handle opposing advice
how about "he wonders if the turtles can feel his longing"?
[7] god'swife @ 67.73.35.126 | 27-Jan-04/2:35 PM | Reply
How does he feel? it's no clear sothe questionat the end is confusing. I like it, the question, but i can't contemplate it, because it's unclear how 'he' feels.

I like this poem over-all. I think you should anthropomorphise the seaweed and say ' the absent-minded seaweed clings...' you do it with the tugboats, and it's always charming in a poem. I think poetry owes so much to mythology and the ability to bestow inanimate objects or creatures with human attributes. It makes the world more our own.
[n/a] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > god'swife | 27-Jan-04/2:38 PM | Reply
i love the seaweed suggestion, edit has already been made
thanks so much
[9] zodiac @ 152.18.33.196 | 27-Jan-04/2:39 PM | Reply
My post is finally beating My Life as a Single Teenage Girl!
[n/a] andrewjthomas @ 192.150.10.200 > zodiac | 27-Jan-04/2:42 PM | Reply
w00t
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