zodiac27 Jan 2004

This is just me (and you should see what god'swife is saying about me for my post before you believe me) but I think the climax is over-played in poetry. Here, you (at least I) know what he feels like. I feel something, anyway, whether it's his feeling or not. Here's an idea: have him extend it into his life. Have him go home and get drunk, beat his wife, make love to a stranger, or something - then just end it with that, no moralizing, just events. Also, the way you changed the 'sees' line is much much better.