| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Reconstruction (Free verse) by andrewjthomas Iâve given
up on great dreaming
watching your beloved train wreck
scatter debris â
a ruin of start.
Your stop signs bent rusted and knock-kneed,
a gutter of promise and threadbare.
This all feels pothole and picture portrait,
with vignette colors standing out so lonely.
Iâm tired
of rubble and five oâclock shadows
at three in the morning.
Sirens call out for validation
and a truce of battlements
while this deconstruction of residential
zoning half-burnt brick
and mortar shell shines.
I loved
you and your tired desolation â
every pebble, every cornerstone crack.
From the tip of your flagpole
to the sepia sewage grate,
I sing
these battle hymns to Dixie,
cotton and unbroken.
But it just feels folktale, and near the end,
when we heard
the marching machine of man
I knew
you would never even give me the courtesy
of rebuild.
Up the ladder:
A love apple's just a tomato (edit of "Uprooting")
Down the ladder:
Love-A=?
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.6
Posted: January 26, 2004 12:55 PM PST; Last modified: January 26, 2004 5:44 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.3099275 Overall Rank: 3601 Comments:
Pan handler.
and by that you mean...?
pan handler?
Huh. I am definitley not your biggest fan. But i like this one. 8 work for you?
mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation.
L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause? L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee. L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale. you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can. i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.
excellent feedback, thanks
i agree with 6&8 but have no quick solutions at the moment made many of the changes you suggested for 23&24 but "these" stays fixed "heard" (definitely made this tighter, thanks again) courtesy should stay i think
As far as line 6, just a comma from the previous line or into the following line would suffice. In a pinch it'll work as is.
In line 8 (if you want to follow Goad's track, which is pretty good) you might consider changing 'many', which is not poetic in the sense you're aiming for. If you do, don't think of synonyms for many, think of something on the fringe of synonymity (which is not, as far as I know, a real word.) I'm not as worried about the Dixie battle hymns as Goad is. But he's got a good ear.
added a second line for 6
I agree, if you want to keep "so" ditch many and get two hard consonants in there.
I of course would not be able to resist saying "with the van gogh colours standing out lonely" lolololol
hmmm, i'm thinking of changing line 8 to:
with effete colors standing out so lonely. thoughts?
Daring. I don't know what to think.
hmmm, doesn't work for me.
hit'n'miss colours?? stray bullet colours??
ok, unless you are actually from the UK you just lost cool points for gratuitous use of the letter U :P
and i'm looking for a word that implies washed-out, used up
rained out
I'm canadian.
Canadian? fair enough
hell, then just say used up! but say your
your used up colors standing out so lonely that gives you everything, an alliteration, a molossus for continued syncoptatic goodness, and the implication you desire. lol.
hmmm, i think that'd be too obvious
problem solved, i went with vignette, which goes nicely with "picture portrait"
and implies that the ornate decoration is standing out lonely because the actual photo doesn't measure up
Wherever possible, one should always include husks in their work.
with effete colors standing out so lonely, like wither'd husks in the moonlight.
If we include you, does that count?
Me? A husk? A ha ha I wish. No, my behuskéd days are over, long since wither'd away, their dry shavlings scatter'd about the land like dead leaves. No, the years of the Dung Pupa are upon me now; my final stage of metamorphosis before the harsh sands of time slip through my inner-underpant lining, and linger there forever, uncomfortably nestled 'tween the stained cheekes of my rear-bosom ere I become gnarled beyond all recognition.
I'd be obliged if you could direct me to some good husk potery sometime.
huh? everyone knows it's tusks, not husks
like wither'd tusks in the moonlight
If you think tusks are better than husks then I feel sorry for you.
"with effete colors standing out so lonely,
like wither'd husks in the moonlight." Sadly, the best two lines written on poemranker today. I had to repeat them.
toilet
Nooo, colonic massage.
brush
Nooo...slender, tentative girl-fingers.
Finger banging causes gardenerella, I know, my mustache is green.
Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10
293 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
zoning half-burnt brick and mortar shell shining," doesn't form a clause. What happens "while"? I would understand if you meant for it to be like that, with the abruptness of "rebuild" and all, but if not it needs a verb. I would also take the "sweet" out of "sweet train wreck" and even (really controlling unsolicited advice here) drop the "and" from the beginning of that line and the "The" before sirens. It's really good otherwise. Don't think I criticized so much because I don't like it. You'll see I'm harder on the good ones.
i agree with dropping "and" and "The", nice catch
i did mean for the passage to not form a clause but i'm still debating if it works
i think if people keep getting hung up it may be a problem
i'm not sold on taking out "sweet"
there needs to be some kind of adjective there pointing out the beauty of the self-destruction being witnessed
Maybe, but not 'sweet.' Of course, you'll find I am the shameless (and rather zealous) scourge of poetic adjectives and modifiers.
but sometimes on the rare occasion they fit
still, i'm open to suggestions, got any?
also, do you think the un-ended clause works?
i personally don't go for any of those, but thanks
also, i could change it from "shining" to "shines" and that would complete the clause...
same gist, more over the top in keeping with the rest. or beloved? used there it would almost be an epithet...
this is the best interaction i've had anywhere online