poemranker ::Lullaby by Goad

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Free verse № 80023

Lullaby

by Goad

Member since 2004 · Posted 22 Jan 2004 · Edited 27 Jan 2004 · 20 comments

Late in my dream I discovered that the important thing had escaped from the engine and so I began to make friends with the mud of my new home. I discovered that you had given up on sleeping and a cold dry woman told me to go home and stop knocking. She said Daddy wasn’t planning on buying no more stuff. When I woke up there was a little pouch under my pillow, sewn from the rough-haired leather of a pig’s ear and the little pouch was empty. I went in and looked at myself naked under the naked light bulb and a spider backed away into the corner. I was looking through the different kinds of pills I have left over from the last time we fought this war, and I couldn’t find the one I need-- but now I’m gonna sing you a lullaby so at least we’ll have something.

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20 comments

[n/a] Everyone 23-Jan-04/1:12 AM Reply
One morn I woke up to find a small pouch deposited beneath my pillow. However, it was not empty: it was quite, quite full.
[n/a] Goad › Everyone 23-Jan-04/2:08 AM Reply
You use your colostomy bag as a pillow? Dude, that's just gross.
[n/a] Matthew Bennett › Everyone 23-Jan-04/5:35 AM Reply
What was in the said pouch?
[10] zodiac 23-Jan-04/1:07 PM Reply
I was cool until "left over from the war." Are you serious? And if you are, still don't say that. The best part is the first stanza. And if you're wondering why I gave yellowtail a 9 for a poem with one of those accented past-tenses ('claspèd') and you got just an 8 it's because I assume yellowtail is an adolescent and (as of now) that you are not.
[n/a] Goad › zodiac 27-Jan-04/2:58 AM Reply
Yeah, I'm going to work on the war thing. As ajt discerned, it refers to an internal war, but I want that to remain an incidental detail, not a feature of the pome. It's character background.

how does "...from the last great struggle" sound? nah, silly. I mean last as in previous.

"...from my private wars"
"...from the last time I fought this"
[9] Caducus 25-Jan-04/3:11 AM Reply
Liked the way you vividly illustrate a poem. The part about the pigs ear was excellent. This to me came alive and kicking from S2. The opening 3 lines didn't grab me and I'm barren as to why. The ending lingered in my thoughts and a very well crafted poem - but hey what the hell do i know? 9
[8] andrewjthomas 26-Jan-04/6:49 PM Reply
i agree with z about the war line
it doesn't fit and feels cliché
unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal)
and if so, that should be more obvious
and even then, i don't know
the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation
personally i would capitalize "Daddy"
and break into a new stanza after that sequence
additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason
however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed
[n/a] Goad › andrewjthomas 27-Jan-04/3:07 AM Reply
you are correct, small d and &'s serve no purpose, and are just laziness. The pouch and daddy belong together, part of the idea is that daddy did come up with a diamond ring at one point, but it is long gone, lost or sold or gambled away.

hmmm, my repetitions were definitely deliberate, but perhaps they don't do what I want them to.
[n/a] Goad › Goad 27-Jan-04/3:42 AM Reply
i decided you were right about the stanza break.
[10] http://mulberryfairy 26-Jan-04/7:34 PM Reply
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10
[n/a] Goad › http://mulberryfairy 27-Jan-04/3:33 AM Reply
re. dream: you might be right. In my original conception, it isn't really about a dream, but referring to an experience of lucidity when your past life seems like a dream that you're waking up from, but I realize I didn't actually develop this idea in text so it's just in my head. I must decide either to ditch that idea or figure out how to bring it out in the pome.

similarly, the you/I mismatch was because it's all one person. But I realize I don't make that clear either. Damn.
[n/a] Goad › Goad 27-Jan-04/3:37 AM Reply
ooh, can I fix war and make it clear it's one person with one simple edit??

...I have left over/from our last great struggle...
or
...I have left over/from the last time we had this war

and then, I might as well use we'll.
[8] irishfolksuicide 27-Jan-04/7:47 AM Reply
The war bit and the pills bit look as if they shouldn't be there. Otherwise nicely told
[10] zodiac › irishfolksuicide 27-Jan-04/7:56 AM Reply
Don't listen. It's fine now.
[10] Fear of Garbage 27-Jan-04/7:53 AM Reply
this is beautiful. i went into thinking oh god a lullaby, but you surprised me.
spiders and pills, spiders and pills.
10
[n/a] middenHeap › Fear of Garbage 27-Jan-04/5:02 PM Reply
Thank you. And thank you for leaving this comment, because I hadn't come across any of your pomes before. I've just spent the last two hours reading them, and it was an enormously enjoyable two hours.
[9] INTRANSIT 14-Mar-04/2:25 PM Reply
as the last to comment, I missed the tweaks and read at least three times before I had anything to say. obviously, I still don't. filling in the blank -9-.
[n/a] Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/11:40 AM Reply
What the...?
[n/a] Goad › Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/12:20 PM Reply
There's nothing to see here. Move along. This comes from a whole different realm than you do.

...but...tell me you at least did get the "daddy wasn't planning on buying no more stuff" reference. That one HAS to be obvious to virtually anyone who grew up speaking English. Or did you grow up speaking English? I can't tell.
[6] Heather Dee 11-Sep-05/8:56 PM Reply
Strange, but I like it