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Lullaby (Free verse) by Goad Late in my dream I discovered
that the important thing
had escaped from the engine
and so I began to make friends
with the mud of my new home.
I discovered that you had given up
on sleeping
and a cold dry woman told me
to go home and stop knocking. She said
Daddy wasnât planning on
buying no more stuff.
When I woke up there was a little pouch
under my pillow,
sewn from the rough-haired leather
of a pigâs ear
and the little pouch was empty.
I went in and looked at myself naked
under the naked light bulb
and a spider backed away
into the corner.
I was looking through the different kinds of pills
I have left over from the last time
we fought this war,
and I couldnât find the one I need--
but now Iâm gonna sing you a lullaby
so at least weâll have something.
Up the ladder:
Detroit
Down the ladder:
Avalanche
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.666667
Posted: January 22, 2004 3:11 PM PST; Last modified: January 27, 2004 3:41 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.8333335 Overall Rank: 340 Comments:
[n/a]
Everyone @ 131.111.212.215
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23-Jan-04/1:12 AM
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Reply
One morn I woke up to find a small pouch deposited beneath my pillow. However, it was not empty: it was quite, quite full.
[n/a]
Goad @ 213.61.217.3
> Everyone
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23-Jan-04/2:08 AM
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Reply
You use your colostomy bag as a pillow? Dude, that's just gross.
[n/a]
Matthew Bennett @ 195.157.153.253
> Everyone
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23-Jan-04/5:35 AM
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Reply
What was in the said pouch?
I was cool until "left over from the war." Are you serious? And if you are, still don't say that. The best part is the first stanza. And if you're wondering why I gave yellowtail a 9 for a poem with one of those accented past-tenses ('claspèd') and you got just an 8 it's because I assume yellowtail is an adolescent and (as of now) that you are not.
Yeah, I'm going to work on the war thing. As ajt discerned, it refers to an internal war, but I want that to remain an incidental detail, not a feature of the pome. It's character background.
how does "...from the last great struggle" sound? nah, silly. I mean last as in previous. "...from my private wars" "...from the last time I fought this"
Liked the way you vividly illustrate a poem. The part about the pigs ear was excellent. This to me came alive and kicking from S2. The opening 3 lines didn't grab me and I'm barren as to why. The ending lingered in my thoughts and a very well crafted poem - but hey what the hell do i know? 9
i agree with z about the war line
it doesn't fit and feels cliché unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal) and if so, that should be more obvious and even then, i don't know the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation personally i would capitalize "Daddy" and break into a new stanza after that sequence additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed
you are correct, small d and &'s serve no purpose, and are just laziness. The pouch and daddy belong together, part of the idea is that daddy did come up with a diamond ring at one point, but it is long gone, lost or sold or gambled away.
hmmm, my repetitions were definitely deliberate, but perhaps they don't do what I want them to.
i decided you were right about the stanza break.
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10
re. dream: you might be right. In my original conception, it isn't really about a dream, but referring to an experience of lucidity when your past life seems like a dream that you're waking up from, but I realize I didn't actually develop this idea in text so it's just in my head. I must decide either to ditch that idea or figure out how to bring it out in the pome.
similarly, the you/I mismatch was because it's all one person. But I realize I don't make that clear either. Damn.
ooh, can I fix war and make it clear it's one person with one simple edit??
...I have left over/from our last great struggle... or ...I have left over/from the last time we had this war and then, I might as well use we'll.
The war bit and the pills bit look as if they shouldn't be there. Otherwise nicely told
Don't listen. It's fine now.
this is beautiful. i went into thinking oh god a lullaby, but you surprised me.
spiders and pills, spiders and pills. 10
Thank you. And thank you for leaving this comment, because I hadn't come across any of your pomes before. I've just spent the last two hours reading them, and it was an enormously enjoyable two hours.
as the last to comment, I missed the tweaks and read at least three times before I had anything to say. obviously, I still don't. filling in the blank -9-.
What the...?
There's nothing to see here. Move along. This comes from a whole different realm than you do.
...but...tell me you at least did get the "daddy wasn't planning on buying no more stuff" reference. That one HAS to be obvious to virtually anyone who grew up speaking English. Or did you grow up speaking English? I can't tell.
Strange, but I like it
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