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Lullaby (Free verse) by Goad

Late in my dream I discovered that the important thing had escaped from the engine and so I began to make friends with the mud of my new home. I discovered that you had given up on sleeping and a cold dry woman told me to go home and stop knocking. She said Daddy wasn’t planning on buying no more stuff. When I woke up there was a little pouch under my pillow, sewn from the rough-haired leather of a pig’s ear and the little pouch was empty. I went in and looked at myself naked under the naked light bulb and a spider backed away into the corner. I was looking through the different kinds of pills I have left over from the last time we fought this war, and I couldn’t find the one I need-- but now I’m gonna sing you a lullaby so at least we’ll have something.

andrewjthomas 26-Jan-04/6:49 PM
i agree with z about the war line
it doesn't fit and feels cliché
unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal)
and if so, that should be more obvious
and even then, i don't know
the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation
personally i would capitalize "Daddy"
and break into a new stanza after that sequence
additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason
however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed




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