andrewjthomas26 Jan 2004

i agree with z about the war line
it doesn't fit and feels cliché
unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal)
and if so, that should be more obvious
and even then, i don't know
the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation
personally i would capitalize "Daddy"
and break into a new stanza after that sequence
additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason
however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed