| Re: Alone With Memories by Mona Lisa |
29-Sep-03/7:42 AM |
And a new man would hum,
And if I mentioned his name I would upset my Mum.
I thought that this meant your mom was cheating and she felt guilty if you talked of her lover who would show up after your dad went to work. But the end makes it sound like your dad left and was gone forever.
I think the pronoun usage in the lines above are confusing and I don't know who you are talking about. this coinfusion muddies up the meaning of your poem.
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| Re: War Grave by Caducus |
29-Sep-03/7:33 AM |
end punctuation is a bit disruptive, they should read like sentences, and a "." makes the reader stop, which chops up your poem. same for ","... hope the feedback helps.
also-3rd stanza a bit awkward in 3rd and 4th line.
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| Re: a comment on Love poem by thavimatola |
29-Sep-03/7:26 AM |
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I've been off a while, is this checklist something new?
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| Re: Love poem by thavimatola |
29-Sep-03/7:23 AM |
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are the hands moon-bathed or light bulb lit? i can't see how they can be both--or how you could type by moonlight.
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| Re: Mother by jacqui |
29-Sep-03/7:20 AM |
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yeah, been there. My mom's a piece of work, too.
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| Re: Your Inner Ear by razorgrin |
26-Sep-03/11:26 AM |
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It's not every day you see a haiku with the word vstibular in it.
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| Re: The fetus farm by horus8 |
26-Sep-03/11:25 AM |
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Lovely, and true. Teen pregnancies skyrocket in June.
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| Re: Sexually mine! by LuckyJoe |
26-Sep-03/11:23 AM |
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sounds like a showtune. I don't know why.
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| Re: AND A NICE CUP OF CHAR by Garrett S Sexton |
26-Sep-03/11:22 AM |
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Sounds about right. Don't forget Graham Norton.
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| Re: Life's Work by baughworm |
26-Sep-03/11:20 AM |
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feels as though there should be more. The circular pattern of the shovel is almost predicatable--perhaps you could prolong this with a few more stanzas in between.
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| Re: I am the gayest by walrus8 |
21-Jul-03/9:30 AM |
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A loverly poem, indeed, Mr Gayness... excellent execution of rhythm and wit. 10
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| Re: null by Bill Z Bub |
21-Jul-03/8:59 AM |
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Fantastic. but why is this a pimple poem?
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| Re: hermetic by Bill Z Bub |
21-Jul-03/8:56 AM |
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Holy shit this was fucking awesome. Anyone for a game of lawn jarts?
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| Re: Fatty Nerd Trilogy by Agemo-Z |
16-May-03/5:38 AM |
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I once worked in a job where there was a rule about no bare midriffs. it was a rule meant for the ladies, I'm guessing becasue of the fear of horny bosses, but that's not important. what is important is that there was this ridiculously fat guy named jeremy who was fat in many ways, resembling a single celled organism. his belly used to sneak out of his shirt and hang down 6-8 inches below his belt, like jabba the hut's tongue.
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| Re: Fatty Nerd Trilogy by Agemo-Z |
16-May-03/5:37 AM |
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I onece worked in a job where there was a rule about no bare midriffs. it was a rule meant for the ladies, I'm guessing becasue of the fear of horny bosses, but that's not important. what is important is that there was this ridiculously fat guy named jeremy who was fat in many ways, resembling a single celled organism. his belly used to sneak out of his shirt and hang down 6-8 inches below his belt, like jabba the hut's tongue.
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| Re: Hefty Smurf by Bachus |
16-May-03/5:33 AM |
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I'd like to see all these smurf ones a sone big series
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| Re: Happy Cancer! by Agemo-Z |
16-May-03/5:33 AM |
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you've nailed down the sense of mystery--so much that I have no idea what the hell this is supposed to be. but I like it.
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| Re: A Buncha Dungeons and Dragons Haiku by razorgrin |
16-May-03/5:32 AM |
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| Re: Icarus up by horus8 |
16-May-03/5:31 AM |
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| Re: Payday by wdallan |
16-May-03/5:30 AM |
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mmmm ramen. i like the hot and spicy flavor.
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