Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Alone With Memories (Free verse) by Mona Lisa
Dad would drink tea from bone china, And the pot had to be warmed, He was a ritual obsessive. Mum would routinely wake at six, To set the table for half past. Dad would limp to the bathroom He went in grey And came out shiny black. I would stare at him shaving, Listen to him humming Always the same tune depending on the day, Yet it never annoyed me. He would always kiss me, One of those lingering pressed kinds of kisses, That would make you curl and flounder. After Dad had to leave, The kisses would stop, And a new man would hum, And if I mentioned his name I would upset my Mum. Three days before my graduation, I had heard my Father had died, He had not shaved for years, And his eyes looked forlorn and tired, But I made sure he was buried in polished shoes.

Up the ladder: Untitled
Down the ladder: These Words

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Weighted score: 5.0397344
Overall Rank: 7046
Posted: September 22, 2003 6:43 AM PDT; Last modified: November 8, 2005 7:15 AM PST
View voting details
Comments:
[n/a] Geschäftsreise @ 4.40.32.229 | 23-Sep-03/11:11 PM | Reply
Went in grey and came out shiny black. Yum! (you even spelled 'grey'in the Geschäftsreise approved manner!) Lovely.

I would change the title, though, to 'Went Out Shiny Black' or something. The poem is much more about him than you, and the title doesn't show it, I think.

Perhaps you need to write a separate poem about how this made you feel and name that poem 'Alone With Memories'.
[7] hipster flare @ 209.68.66.187 | 29-Sep-03/7:42 AM | Reply
And a new man would hum,
And if I mentioned his name I would upset my Mum.

I thought that this meant your mom was cheating and she felt guilty if you talked of her lover who would show up after your dad went to work. But the end makes it sound like your dad left and was gone forever.
I think the pronoun usage in the lines above are confusing and I don't know who you are talking about. this coinfusion muddies up the meaning of your poem.
[8] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.100 | 29-Sep-03/11:00 AM | Reply
This was a little confusing and therefore distracting:
Always the same tune depending on the day,
Yet it never annoyed me.
If you mentioned Dad's name or the new man's name you'd upset Mum? If you are talking about your dad, that doesn't really make sense to me, because you probably wouldn't refer to him by his name so much as say "Dad"... Besides those nitpicky things, I liked it.
[10] Bachus @ 24.126.116.54 | 16-Nov-03/1:41 AM | Reply
Perfect. 10! Bachian swagger award.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 8-Nov-05/2:30 PM | Reply
Why did he go into the bathroom grey? And why the British spelling of gray? Wasn't this in the morning? In evening he might be gray with dirt.

"had heard" could be just heard.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Dovina | 8-Nov-05/2:32 PM | Reply
I looked at your homepage. You are from England with blond hair. This must be about someone else.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 8-Nov-05/3:25 PM | Reply
Is this you? http://www.rame.net/aarle/pics/MonaLisa.jpg
If so, Bravo.
232 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001