| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Love poem (Free verse) by thavimatola I flood my heart with memory.
Again I see the sight
Your moon-bathed hands enfold mine,
And grip them as I type.
And held in them I write these lines,
And twice-reflected light
Warms your skin and brights your eyes
An incandescent white.
While I read this poem, you kiss me.
While I edit it, you wait,
If I rush it, you forbid me,
But it's already too late.
So bathe your face for me, Guenevere,
Gleam your eyes, and enfold
My body in yours, Guenevere,
The moon's fled and I'm so cold.
Up the ladder:
fill the void
Down the ladder:
The Flower
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: September 28, 2003 9:53 PM PDT; Last modified: September 28, 2003 9:53 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9403987 Overall Rank: 9065 Comments:
are the hands moon-bathed or light bulb lit? i can't see how they can be both--or how you could type by moonlight.
"Warms your skin and brights your eyes" is too forced. Guenevere/Guinevere?
Partial defense: (1) The name has various spellings, depending on language. Oddly enough it was her real name, although the Gaelic root means white/bright. (2) It's a twice reflected light; poet recollects moonlight evening, so the typing need not be moonlit too.
177 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[X] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[_] Autobiographical but in the third person
[_] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[_] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[X] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[_] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[_] Overabundance of ellipses
[_] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[X] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[_] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment