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War Grave (Free verse) by Caducus
The anonymous lay in perfect alignment. Mourned by a lamenting wind That took their breath, First and last. The graves have no epitaph, And white crosses leave long shadows. Folded flags rest upon empty tombs No bones, no soul. When the 21 wisps of smoke dissipated, So did their remembrance. Like faded names in concrete guild Carved in history for us to forget. Some place far from here, Faces stare through soil At a conjured image of a face they know, So that they can care.

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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10  .. 60
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.142857
Weighted score: 6.566554
Overall Rank: 631
Posted: September 29, 2003 5:47 AM PDT; Last modified: September 29, 2003 9:00 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.74 | 29-Sep-03/6:07 AM | Reply
You must have lots of painful memories about the war.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 > ?-Dave_Mysterious-? | 29-Sep-03/9:10 AM | Reply
I watched 'The Thin Red Line' yesterday have u seen it? In Coventry we have a memorial park where you can buy hash or weed. Skaters love the steps and someone has spray painted goal posts so they can play soccer.

It's a fucked up world and that side of humanity disgusts me to the soul.
[6] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 195.92.67.74 > Caducus | 29-Sep-03/3:17 PM | Reply
I havn't seen that film, but the graveyard at the end of "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly" is really excellent.
[7] hipster flare @ 209.68.66.187 | 29-Sep-03/7:33 AM | Reply
end punctuation is a bit disruptive, they should read like sentences, and a "." makes the reader stop, which chops up your poem. same for ","... hope the feedback helps.
also-3rd stanza a bit awkward in 3rd and 4th line.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.105.119.105 > hipster flare | 29-Sep-03/9:03 AM | Reply
The feedback was useful - thanks. Stza 3, L3-4 now completely different as are lines 8/9.

Flow interruption blues now cured :-)
[7] hipster flare @ 209.68.66.187 > Caducus | 29-Sep-03/9:22 AM | Reply
Absolutely. nicely done.
[7] J.B. Manning @ 129.44.35.24 | 29-Sep-03/11:15 AM | Reply
I like it.
[9] http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.146.100 | 29-Sep-03/11:31 AM | Reply
I like your last 2 lines, especially. Nice job.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.102 | 29-Sep-03/3:43 PM | Reply
How many years have we been on this planet? And we've still learned nothing. still doing the same ol' same ol'. What's taking Jesu so damned long? Held up in a fast food line no doubt. Maybe just... held up?
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