on Reflection by Judas kiss
14 Nov 2003, 11:29 AM
don't think you need doppelganger and reflection.
'Love yourself' at the best is a cliche, at worse a distraction.
v1 fourth line doesn't make much sense.
'On a straight mirror you stretch the glass' is an interesting line I quite like.
'Love yourself' at the best is a cliche, at worse a distraction.
v1 fourth line doesn't make much sense.
'On a straight mirror you stretch the glass' is an interesting line I quite like.
on The Gala Apple by peaceseeker
14 Nov 2003, 11:22 AM
nice descriptions, think it needs a main character if you are going to go into his psyche though with lines such as 'left to cling to his indignant assertion'.
Like the line breaks too
Like the line breaks too
on The Ode of Human Life by ShaNoN+960317485
14 Nov 2003, 7:39 AM
I like the way you get this poem to flow out of such long lines.
The only pick is that it is a little too eclectic in the images it throws in rather than building up a central metaphor.
The only pick is that it is a little too eclectic in the images it throws in rather than building up a central metaphor.
replying on Mingy by willosh salkeldosh
13 Nov 2003, 5:46 AM
You tricked me into going there, it was not even on my own bloody computer.
replying on Call Vegas!!! by INTRANSIT
12 Nov 2003, 3:06 PM
I don't think people are complaining though.
It was just the odds that threw me.
It was just the odds that threw me.
on Call Vegas!!! by INTRANSIT
12 Nov 2003, 2:08 PM
At first this made sense, then the bit about 3 women to one man confused me, then I thought
the chance of a man holding a position of superiority is 1 in 4 (out of four people one will be a man).
One person holding the given position equates to victory for men everywhere.
Not sure I believe the figures by the way, women outnumber men the most in wartorn countries where the men go out to fight, on the whole.
Anyway an interesting little puzzle at any rate.
the chance of a man holding a position of superiority is 1 in 4 (out of four people one will be a man).
One person holding the given position equates to victory for men everywhere.
Not sure I believe the figures by the way, women outnumber men the most in wartorn countries where the men go out to fight, on the whole.
Anyway an interesting little puzzle at any rate.
on My Queen by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:09 AM
'That every move, gesture, connotation and
Inflection is calculated, ingenuine'
Interesting, seemed to stick out. So much of what we do is following patterns instinctually. Saying hello etc.
Inflection is calculated, ingenuine'
Interesting, seemed to stick out. So much of what we do is following patterns instinctually. Saying hello etc.
on Miss You, Love by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:06 AM
Opium is not sweet it is a narcotic, it is dreamy yes.
on How It Is by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:04 AM
You seem to have what you want to say worked out. How about the use of poetic means to convince the reader.
replying on submission to decay by FreeFormFixation
11 Nov 2003, 8:50 AM
I see, the smoke from cracks being volcanic eruptions, cosmic defect etc.
In that case I think the poem would benefit from drawing the two together rather than mentioning human defects, universe defects apart.
In that case I think the poem would benefit from drawing the two together rather than mentioning human defects, universe defects apart.
replying on paint me a poem with pictures by nentwined
11 Nov 2003, 8:06 AM
I think the syllable sounds of a word are more important than syllables per line. That is why the flow of different haikus can be so variable.
The only problem I see here is forestall (the same as stall?) it seems to stop my reading dead.
The only problem I see here is forestall (the same as stall?) it seems to stop my reading dead.
on submission to decay by FreeFormFixation
11 Nov 2003, 7:57 AM
No need for the double line breaks.
I like some of the description, perhaps the analysis needs to be a bit deeper than 'the world is going to end, it is all our fault'.
I like some of the description, perhaps the analysis needs to be a bit deeper than 'the world is going to end, it is all our fault'.
on As I sit alone by baby_d
11 Nov 2003, 7:50 AM
Try something to connect the reader, not a cliche, cliches have long since lost their evocative power.
Many people have written poems like this, give or take a few words here and there. Why should we like yours?
Many people have written poems like this, give or take a few words here and there. Why should we like yours?
on A heart without keys by sliver
9 Nov 2003, 1:14 PM
Last line sounds a bit porn filmish.
on Love (pyramus and thisbe) by New Life Drug
9 Nov 2003, 11:22 AM
Reads well, but the theme is a little ubiquitous.
on Why...? by muffielouise
9 Nov 2003, 11:14 AM
Through not threw and snapped not snaped.
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
replying on Leg humping is back on the menu by Jeremi B. Handrinos
9 Nov 2003, 8:37 AM
Severe distaste for vs racism.
I guess it is loving the sinner vs hating the sin. Someones jewishness exists outside the common humanity we all hold.
It is the jewishness which horus rails against I think.
I guess it is loving the sinner vs hating the sin. Someones jewishness exists outside the common humanity we all hold.
It is the jewishness which horus rails against I think.
Nentwined makes up the top now!