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submission to decay (Free verse) by FreeFormFixation
a rake scrapes across the concrete, skull fragments in strips across the green lawns. as well as dark brown red and yellow leaves piled in insurmountable hills, i run like a maniac and dive face first into their fragrant embrace. the sky sits blue like a mother hen on the earth, her egg, soon to hatch and shake off the lives of mites and other surface creatures, the shell cast off into space carelessly. i lost count of the tremors, eighteen months now of constant fear that the end is near, we're all choking on the words they feed through tubes down our throats in our living rooms. we all wait to awake from this nightmare, a cloud of steam erupts from a crack in the surface, we worthlessy run like the mercy of some supreme power is going to pull and protect our scurrying forms from the cosmic defect not realized when the clock was originally assembled. tick tock tick tock continued, continues to tick and tock the universe heaves and breathes we drop like leaves from its branches, piled up and decaying.

Down the ladder: Panda meat

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.857143
Weighted score: 5.4994626
Overall Rank: 2745
Posted: November 10, 2003 11:42 AM PST; Last modified: November 10, 2003 11:42 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] NoSage @ 63.190.81.230 | 10-Nov-03/5:17 PM | Reply
A good reminder of our mortality, the first line really set the tone, but it confuses my simple mind. Fragments of what skull? still, a well written piece.
[8] richa @ 81.178.163.4 | 11-Nov-03/7:57 AM | Reply
No need for the double line breaks.

I like some of the description, perhaps the analysis needs to be a bit deeper than 'the world is going to end, it is all our fault'.
[n/a] FreeFormFixation @ 216.125.247.11 > richa | 11-Nov-03/8:42 AM | Reply
but that's the thing... that's not what it's about completely. it is not our fault at all, there were flaws from the outset. i know this touches severely on deism, but the living universe also borders some other Worldviews i dont care to expound upon.
[8] richa @ 81.178.163.4 > FreeFormFixation | 11-Nov-03/8:50 AM | Reply
I see, the smoke from cracks being volcanic eruptions, cosmic defect etc.

In that case I think the poem would benefit from drawing the two together rather than mentioning human defects, universe defects apart.
[n/a] FreeFormFixation @ 216.125.247.11 > richa | 11-Nov-03/12:43 PM | Reply
i gotcha, though the dichotomy between divine/cosmological and human reactions is an important element to expressing the isolation and irrelevance i felt when writing this.
[6] Jill Stockinger @ 127.0.0.1 | 28-Dec-20/3:08 PM | Reply
like the idea and this has some very good lines.
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