| Re: Born and Fed by Dovina |
6-Jul-05/3:56 AM |
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tit in line 2 just makes it read wrong.
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| Re: The And women by INTRANSIT |
6-Jul-05/3:55 AM |
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| Re: Gratitude by Dovina |
3-Jul-05/1:27 AM |
Rockmage - this isnt BAAAADDDDDD.
It really isn't.
Would you please be a gentlemen and say why you think so?
I admit the language is heavy handed in parts but like me she's trying to express herself and pick subjects hardly tackled.
I see a lot of beauty in the stuff you write and thats the real you not this pseudonym(s) of yours.
Worth a 6 at least.
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| Re: We Have Never Spoken by fevriere |
3-Jul-05/1:21 AM |
THe last 2 stanzas are so adult in their honesty and deliverance. LIne 4 is funny but out of place. I would change stanza one and get rid of the rhyme.
Lines 6/8-end are fab.
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| Re: The choices we make by darby pyn |
3-Jul-05/1:17 AM |
Heartfelt and sentmental but your problem lies in not what you want to say, just the way you dilute it with forced rhyme.
Force what you wanna say first. Allegiance to rhyme should not dictate the poem.
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| Re: it's okay to cry, idiot by calliope |
3-Jul-05/1:15 AM |
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| Re: We Have Never Spoken by fevriere |
28-Jun-05/6:27 AM |
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It has promise but the rhyme is off.
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| Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina |
28-Jun-05/6:26 AM |
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I like it but the last 2 lines lack impact.
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| Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT |
24-Jun-05/5:13 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Treblinka Re-opened by Caducus |
21-Jun-05/1:15 AM |
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Thats the point exactly to demonstrate how things are still not so different. I'm just exploring the theme and its been so done I doubt anyone can say anything thats not been said already.
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| Re: quick by <~> |
15-Jun-05/5:03 AM |
hey zzinnia long time huh?
I think I get this but 'deepening february afternoon'? If I'm right on my interpretation that line don't sit well.
The last 3 lines could verge into a senryu - mixed on this one but I'm gaga for an explanation.
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| Re: A Hallmark Card for You (With Love) by Bluemonkey |
15-Jun-05/4:58 AM |
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| Re: MTV's The Real World: Poemranker by Bluemonkey |
15-Jun-05/4:56 AM |
Apparently my earlier work inspired the 'pimple' Shhhhh.
Cutting
and
true though.
(dont faint i commented lol)
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| Re: Swoon by Dovina |
15-Jun-05/4:54 AM |
Playful with some well used images.
Line 4 is perfect as it multiplies.
You could explore and highlight femininity more - you do it well.
The opening 6 or so lines are very good.
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| Re: Unclean by Dovina |
15-Jun-05/4:50 AM |
'injury as a robbers act' is the seminal line. I dont think the viewpoint in this is incendiary but quite considerate and weighted. You could tighten it up a bit and it would hit harder as a result.
Overall pfg.
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| Re: a comment on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus |
10-Jun-05/12:11 PM |
Hey
she still looked 20 to him as she still loks the same to him old because he loves her so much.
Just somehing my pos said about his wife
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| Re: a comment on A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus |
10-Jun-05/9:17 AM |
GW CHILL.
Okay I changed the first bit - grammar and me divorced years back.
The 'my love' meant my girlfriend but i agree it sounds a bit gay and i bring her in to it later so it's not needed.
It's a draft and raw as the moment as intended. One of those inspired things that hit or miss, this is kind of both but was never meant to be anything to get anal about really.
Thanks for the pointers.
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| Re: A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) by Caducus |
10-Jun-05/1:29 AM |
zero it rockmage go on you havent came in over an hour.
I bet you have strong arms from all that self love.
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| Re: MTV's The Real World: Allpoetry.com by Bluemonkey |
26-May-05/6:55 AM |
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| Re: a comment on The Jesus Belt by Caducus |
24-May-05/2:45 PM |
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thanks dovina, its weird when i click to edit thispoem it comes up with 'adults in wonderland'.
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