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We Have Never Spoken (Free verse) by fevriere
I watch their dry mouths moving, and their moping. They have grown attached to griping, and I hear their monotonous coping. They should be devastated with lead piping. They have grown old and tired, I will, in my cycle, go that way too but not before I change the end and we smile and it saves you. We are still young, I decide and we bound off the bus in the rain you, shaking up puddles with your stride and me, wet-lipped and young again.

Up the ladder: I Can't Believe You
Down the ladder: Symphony of Despairs

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Weighted score: 5.095362
Overall Rank: 6134
Posted: June 27, 2005 7:19 AM PDT; Last modified: June 27, 2005 7:19 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 27-Jun-05/12:54 PM | Reply
I seems you're describing old age, not in years, but attitude. Then I come the lead piping and don't see how that relates. I like verse 2. Then in verse 3, the lesson seems forgotten. I think it's a glimps that might stick with the two youngun's
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.7 > Dovina | 28-Jun-05/6:00 AM | Reply
It's youth and arrogance, I think. The lead piping is a bit of an emotive, brutal, teenage response. What is the lsson of two? I thought it was just that while old age is impending, the speaker and their companion are "still young" ("I will.. go that way too.. but not before..").
[8] Caducus @ 172.188.225.37 | 28-Jun-05/6:27 AM | Reply
It has promise but the rhyme is off.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.7 > Caducus | 30-Jun-05/10:02 AM | Reply
second stanza or throughout?
[8] Caducus @ 213.122.70.19 | 3-Jul-05/1:21 AM | Reply
THe last 2 stanzas are so adult in their honesty and deliverance. LIne 4 is funny but out of place. I would change stanza one and get rid of the rhyme.

Lines 6/8-end are fab.
[n/a] fevriere @ 62.254.128.7 > Caducus | 3-Jul-05/3:03 PM | Reply
Cool. Excellent feedback! I will work on an edit. New/no first stanza, & free verse.
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