poemranker ::We Have Never Spoken by fevriere

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Free verse № 127937

We Have Never Spoken

Member since 2004 · Posted 27 Jun 2005 · 6 comments

I watch their dry mouths moving, and their moping. They have grown attached to griping, and I hear their monotonous coping. They should be devastated with lead piping. They have grown old and tired, I will, in my cycle, go that way too but not before I change the end and we smile and it saves you. We are still young, I decide and we bound off the bus in the rain you, shaking up puddles with your stride and me, wet-lipped and young again.

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6 comments

[8] Dovina 27-Jun-05/12:54 PM Reply
I seems you're describing old age, not in years, but attitude. Then I come the lead piping and don't see how that relates. I like verse 2. Then in verse 3, the lesson seems forgotten. I think it's a glimps that might stick with the two youngun's
[n/a] fevriere › Dovina 28-Jun-05/6:00 AM Reply
It's youth and arrogance, I think. The lead piping is a bit of an emotive, brutal, teenage response. What is the lsson of two? I thought it was just that while old age is impending, the speaker and their companion are "still young" ("I will.. go that way too.. but not before..").
[8] Caducus 28-Jun-05/6:27 AM Reply
It has promise but the rhyme is off.
[n/a] fevriere › Caducus 30-Jun-05/10:02 AM Reply
second stanza or throughout?
[8] Caducus 3-Jul-05/1:21 AM Reply
THe last 2 stanzas are so adult in their honesty and deliverance. LIne 4 is funny but out of place. I would change stanza one and get rid of the rhyme.

Lines 6/8-end are fab.
[n/a] fevriere › Caducus 3-Jul-05/3:03 PM Reply
Cool. Excellent feedback! I will work on an edit. New/no first stanza, & free verse.