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We Have Never Spoken (Free verse) by fevriere I watch their dry mouths moving, and their moping.
They have grown attached to griping,
and I hear their monotonous coping.
They should be devastated with lead piping.
They have grown old and tired,
I will, in my cycle, go that way too
but not before I change the end
and we smile and it saves you.
We are still young, I decide
and we bound off the bus in the rain
you, shaking up puddles with your stride
and me, wet-lipped and young again.
Up the ladder:
The Awakening
Down the ladder:
Stella 130
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: June 27, 2005 7:19 AM PDT; Last modified: June 27, 2005 7:19 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6130 Comments:
[8]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
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27-Jun-05/12:54 PM
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Reply
I seems you're describing old age, not in years, but attitude. Then I come the lead piping and don't see how that relates. I like verse 2. Then in verse 3, the lesson seems forgotten. I think it's a glimps that might stick with the two youngun's
[n/a]
fevriere @ 62.254.128.7
> Dovina
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28-Jun-05/6:00 AM
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Reply
It's youth and arrogance, I think. The lead piping is a bit of an emotive, brutal, teenage response. What is the lsson of two? I thought it was just that while old age is impending, the speaker and their companion are "still young" ("I will.. go that way too.. but not before..").
It has promise but the rhyme is off.
second stanza or throughout?
THe last 2 stanzas are so adult in their honesty and deliverance. LIne 4 is funny but out of place. I would change stanza one and get rid of the rhyme.
Lines 6/8-end are fab.
Cool. Excellent feedback! I will work on an edit. New/no first stanza, & free verse.
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