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Swoon (Free verse) by Dovina Have you ever stood facing east at night,
toward City Hall, lighted, Romanesque,
your great grandfatherâs image in its arches,
its dome a breast of his wife,
and the man behind you takes your dangling hands,
thumbs outward, and pulls them back
so you rest on his chest,
and his nose nuzzles through long hair,
touching your ear,
while he includes you in a unique line of womanhood â
sensible, respectful, fun â
and as he looks past your breasts,
they feel proud to be connected with that dome,
past with present,
and your knees barely hold you,
and you belong to him there on the sidewalk,
his desires yours,
reality dream?
Up the ladder:
waiting for you
Down the ladder:
The Perigenetic Prayer
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.9
Posted: May 23, 2005 11:00 AM PDT; Last modified: May 23, 2005 11:00 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.95 Overall Rank: 1369 Comments:
[n/a]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
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23-May-05/1:56 PM
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Reply
Thank you, rockmage, for your timely and predictable response. By the way, did you read the poem?
I can't say that I have. I'm going to assume you have, though, and give this an 8.
Yep, and thanks.
<< sensible, respectful, fun >>
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way. The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described. A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful. Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz. The last line with the question mark: so-so Yes, I like this one.
Iâm sorry for referring to you as a woman in some of my comments. Donât know where I got that.
The poem is all one sentence, hence the âandââs connecting its parts, and the ? at the end. I donât know why you think âsensible, respectful, funâ is an explicit line. They were his words while I leaned back against him and he talked of my connection with the women in my ancestry while we looked at the city hall which my great grandfather promoted during his service to the city in 1890. The man I was with likened me to my great grandmother in such a historically compelling way that I almost could not stand.
<< I donât know why you think âsensible, respectful, funâ is an explicit line >>
Because I think that most men will find this somewhat irritating. Sort of feministic nagging. Maybe I'm wrong on this, it doesn't irritate ME, I simply would have liked a less direct word choice. I can't give an advice, you'll have to work it yourself. Again- maybe I'm totally wrong on this. I'm often held for a woman. I'm gay (aha!) but I'm not in the least feminine. The last time I wore high heels I was three years old. Yet I'm aware I lack the harshness of most hetero men.
No, I didn't see it wrong.
I know these weren't your words, but your lover's. Just the same, you create the impression that you feel obliged to use the words to reinforce your selfesteem as a woman. The words 'respectful' and 'looks past your breasts' are too close for comfort. Even for me.
I've deleted a comment, the wrong words. I'll try again, later.
It's now chaos. I tried to correct a mistake, and forgot the comment does not return to the same place...
Now it's my turn to say, calm down.
Iâll admit to indulging in what (correct if I misinterpret) you see as possibly feminist words. I donât like to think of them as feminist (meaning to promote female esteem) but rather feminine (expressing a female point of view). I donât want this poem seen as a position that favors women. Rather I want it to show how a woman feels when a man is sensitive enough to say words that raise her self-respect and make her feel that he sees more in her than she previously saw in herself, and in addition when he connects her with her history. A woman might have provided that for me or a gay man (I have a couple of gay friends) but when added to the conversation, I feel the nuzzle of his nose on my ear, and purely masculine emotional support, well, the thing was overwhelming.
Quite a departure from your usual style.
Even a lobotomized logicianâs got feelings.
Well, I can't say that I could write romantic poetry near as well, as I'm from the "other side of the tracks".
Thank god I wear a tea cozy. And I ordered a new one in Naugahyde , with a sea-shell veil. That's right. Surf and turf headwear.
Except for the "while he includes you in a unique line of womanhood - sesible, respectful, fun" bit, this is the best you've ever written.
Blush!
Ok, here are my nits. Dangling hands and outward thumbs may be too descriptive. Does he really take your Hands? Or does he use your upper arms. Your breasts feel connected or do you? Unique line of womanhood sounds like he's got women all over the globe to me. The reality dream ending loses me, but I might not be reading it at the right speed there. Keep in mind there may be references in this that I just don't understand. Facing east for starters. I don't get it but I'm sure you're facing that way for a reason. I still like this heaps.
And the title is too generic. This, from one of the Kings of genericism, ha!
âDangling hands and outward thumbsâ: Stand with your hands dangling at your sides. If someone takes your hands from behind and turns your thumbs outward, then pulls them back, what happens? You rest against his chest.
âYour breasts feel connected or do you?â: I feel connected with the women in my past, and the feeling is also in my breasts. âUnique line of womanhoodâ: Iâm referring to my ancestry, and never thought of the way youâve taken it. Itâs funny, really! âThe reality dream ending loses meâ: Itâs a questionable ending for sure. I meant that the reality of the thing he was describing became so overwhelming that it seemed like a dream â a swoon. âFacing eastâ: The direction only matters in the specific setting, and I have no right to expect anyone to know that. Glad you like it heaps anyway.
To reply to the individual items.
#1 You didn'g say "he turns them outward" It sounds like his thumbs are outward. #2 Breasts as in chests, Your being? Or re-referring to the domes' shape? #3Irish roman? Or am I unnecessarily crossing wires here? #4 and 5. Ok. Maybe I'm REALLY thick. still better off for the dialogue though, thanks.
#1 I didnât say, "he turns them outward" But I did say, âthe man behind you takes your dangling hands, turns your thumbs outward, pulling, leaving no choice but to rest back on his chest.â Are you doing margaritas again?
#2 I appreciate your concern, I really do, but how could it be chests with only one of me? And yes, it does refer back to âits dome a breast of his wife.â #3 Iâve mentioned Irish ancestry in other poems. Thanks for remembering.
1 I disagree. And no, but I should be. 2 Ok. 3 Ok.
Playful with some well used images.
Line 4 is perfect as it multiplies. You could explore and highlight femininity more - you do it well. The opening 6 or so lines are very good.
Thanks for the comments and for taking a suggestion on commenting more.
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