Free verse № 125233
Swoon
Have you ever stood facing east at night,
toward City Hall, lighted, Romanesque,
your great grandfatherâs image in its arches,
its dome a breast of his wife,
and the man behind you takes your dangling hands,
thumbs outward, and pulls them back
so you rest on his chest,
and his nose nuzzles through long hair,
touching your ear,
while he includes you in a unique line of womanhood â
sensible, respectful, fun â
and as he looks past your breasts,
they feel proud to be connected with that dome,
past with present,
and your knees barely hold you,
and you belong to him there on the sidewalk,
his desires yours,
reality dream?
23 comments
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way.
The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described.
A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful.
Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz.
The last line with the question mark: so-so
Yes, I like this one.
The poem is all one sentence, hence the âandââs connecting its parts, and the ? at the end.
I donât know why you think âsensible, respectful, funâ is an explicit line. They were his words while I leaned back against him and he talked of my connection with the women in my ancestry while we looked at the city hall which my great grandfather promoted during his service to the city in 1890. The man I was with likened me to my great grandmother in such a historically compelling way that I almost could not stand.
Because I think that most men will find this somewhat irritating. Sort of feministic nagging. Maybe I'm wrong on this, it doesn't irritate ME, I simply would have liked a less direct word choice. I can't give an advice, you'll have to work it yourself. Again- maybe I'm totally wrong on this.
I'm often held for a woman. I'm gay (aha!) but I'm not in the least feminine. The last time I wore high heels I was three years old.
Yet I'm aware I lack the harshness of most hetero men.
I know these weren't your words, but your lover's. Just the same, you create the impression that you feel obliged to use the words to reinforce your selfesteem as a woman. The words 'respectful' and 'looks past your breasts' are too close for comfort. Even for me.
Iâll admit to indulging in what (correct if I misinterpret) you see as possibly feminist words. I donât like to think of them as feminist (meaning to promote female esteem) but rather feminine (expressing a female point of view). I donât want this poem seen as a position that favors women. Rather I want it to show how a woman feels when a man is sensitive enough to say words that raise her self-respect and make her feel that he sees more in her than she previously saw in herself, and in addition when he connects her with her history.
A woman might have provided that for me or a gay man (I have a couple of gay friends) but when added to the conversation, I feel the nuzzle of his nose on my ear, and purely masculine emotional support, well, the thing was overwhelming.
Thank god I wear a tea cozy. And I ordered a new one in Naugahyde , with a sea-shell veil. That's right. Surf and turf headwear.
âYour breasts feel connected or do you?â: I feel connected with the women in my past, and the feeling is also in my breasts.
âUnique line of womanhoodâ: Iâm referring to my ancestry, and never thought of the way youâve taken it. Itâs funny, really!
âThe reality dream ending loses meâ: Itâs a questionable ending for sure. I meant that the reality of the thing he was describing became so overwhelming that it seemed like a dream â a swoon.
âFacing eastâ: The direction only matters in the specific setting, and I have no right to expect anyone to know that.
Glad you like it heaps anyway.
#1 You didn'g say "he turns them outward" It sounds like his thumbs are outward.
#2 Breasts as in chests, Your being? Or re-referring to the domes' shape?
#3Irish roman? Or am I unnecessarily crossing wires here?
#4 and 5. Ok.
Maybe I'm REALLY thick. still better off for the dialogue though, thanks.
#2 I appreciate your concern, I really do, but how could it be chests with only one of me? And yes, it does refer back to âits dome a breast of his wife.â
#3 Iâve mentioned Irish ancestry in other poems. Thanks for remembering.
Line 4 is perfect as it multiplies.
You could explore and highlight femininity more - you do it well.
The opening 6 or so lines are very good.
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