Replying to a comment on:

Swoon (Free verse) by Dovina

Have you ever stood facing east at night, toward City Hall, lighted, Romanesque, your great grandfather’s image in its arches, its dome a breast of his wife, and the man behind you takes your dangling hands, thumbs outward, and pulls them back so you rest on his chest, and his nose nuzzles through long hair, touching your ear, while he includes you in a unique line of womanhood – sensible, respectful, fun – and as he looks past your breasts, they feel proud to be connected with that dome, past with present, and your knees barely hold you, and you belong to him there on the sidewalk, his desires yours, reality dream?

DoubleU 23-May-05/4:38 PM
<< sensible, respectful, fun >>
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way.

The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described.
A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful.
Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz.
The last line with the question mark: so-so

Yes, I like this one.





Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001