| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Flicking (Free verse) by INTRANSIT My thoughts stumble as I watch them
lean into the apex
Thrust against chicanes
Bank on that complex compound
that soft encouraging lip
all the while keeping eyes fixed
on the leader point of blind curves
exit
and roll on.
Up the ladder:
Crushing Gingersnaps (beat)
Down the ladder:
YOUR OWN PLEASURE
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: June 20, 2005 4:19 PM PDT; Last modified: January 8, 2006 9:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.537883 Overall Rank: 2588 Comments:
[8]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
|
20-Jun-05/5:42 PM
|
Reply
In the place I used to work we built spirals into the plans - those transitions to real curves wherein the wheel can easily adjust by a half-stoned arm, and after several such easings, drivers become chicaned to expect them. Just thought you'd like to know who to blame and how ironic the victory.
I'm just confused. It may not be your fault that I am ignorant.
chicane= a movable barrier used in motor racing ? "thrusting against movable barriers" ?
Well, the good thing is in this poem -chicanes- sonds almost like wind but I think it may be my own ignorance that has done me in this time. I thought they were a series of curves tight and many. I might be wron in which case, I have failed miserably. Sokay. i got a better one brewing. Oh well.
to me, chicanes means trickery, and in that context, i think it works extraordinarily well, rich. nice double entendre.
Nice. I should skip the amazement: if it's there, the poem should prove it. Not your telling me.
line 5 yeah
nice.
I'll never get used to your before comma spacing though.
okay - I haveta make an ammendment.
The start "It amazes me..." might be improved apon. YES I KNOW, I've done and do from time to time a similar thing - but I try. The thing is that you want the poem to convey the amazement - why broadcast it. What if you just killed the first 3 words?? Then remove "Still keeping" - it is... unenglish. But I like the piece very much.
Not sure apex is what you mean, try spiral. And maybe curves should be curve. Otherwise good.
was this ammended/edited? some of the comments don't seem to make sense...
i like this one, and after a couple of reads i get the thrill... specially liking the last 2 lines. p.s. yeah, i know the stallone movie. cheesy in my opinion.
Third stanza would replace 'all the while keeping my eyes fixed' with 'my eyes fixed'. Might shift up and roll on a bit. Otherwise you have 4 words to 4 lines.
284 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
