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A Kiss In Shadows (quite happy for me) (Free verse) by Caducus
Veins inked their faces, And I read their lives In a novel of wrinkles. He held her hand Walked her speed And he looked at her watching slabs roll to him she still looked twenty. She wore a scarlet cardigan And he wore pride. She must have been a catch back then Before her life Wore her inside out. I thought of their love, Smiled till I wrinkled And for a moment I was them Just younger, And holding on to hope As she held on to wood Clasping his hand which held her. I am full of love today and she is faraway. I feel close to her though. Golden from sunlight On a grey pavement, Where two ancient lovers Stopped to kiss in my shadow, And I closed my eyes So I could see us together Kissing years from now On shadows of the lost Where love is found.

Up the ladder: Big fanny
Down the ladder: When god manifested

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6462
Posted: June 9, 2005 10:30 AM PDT; Last modified: June 10, 2005 9:14 AM PDT
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Comments:
[4] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 9-Jun-05/6:46 PM | Reply
>>I thought of my love, Smiled till I wrinkled<<

>>Just younger, And holding on to hope<<

You can't do this. It's ugly and it makes no sense.

>>there<<, in the first stanza. I don't get it.
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.200.21.127 | 10-Jun-05/1:29 AM | Reply
zero it rockmage go on you havent came in over an hour.

I bet you have strong arms from all that self love.
[4] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 10-Jun-05/7:10 AM | Reply
Quit fucking around with matters that don't matter, answer my comment so you and I can benefit. Goddamn it
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.200.21.127 > deleted user | 10-Jun-05/9:17 AM | Reply
GW CHILL.

Okay I changed the first bit - grammar and me divorced years back.

The 'my love' meant my girlfriend but i agree it sounds a bit gay and i bring her in to it later so it's not needed.

It's a draft and raw as the moment as intended. One of those inspired things that hit or miss, this is kind of both but was never meant to be anything to get anal about really.

Thanks for the pointers.
[4] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > Caducus | 10-Jun-05/10:12 AM | Reply
>>grammar and me divorced years back<<

Then stop writing and start singing or painting or pantomiming
[4] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > Caducus | 10-Jun-05/10:28 AM | Reply
>>but i agree it sounds a bit gay<<

You need help. From a qualified homophobic psychiatrist.
Jesus on a bluetooth
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 10-Jun-05/10:56 AM | Reply
This starts our really good.

I don't know what you mean by the slabs rolling, or why she still looked 20.

Verse 3 is great.

Verse 4 is good. "wood" must refer to her cane.

Verse 5 is a bit strange, and kissing on shadows of the lost - well, I see you relating to the old couple as you imaging aging with your lover, but it could be better said.
[n/a] Caducus @ 81.135.11.90 > Dovina | 10-Jun-05/12:11 PM | Reply
Hey

she still looked 20 to him as she still loks the same to him old because he loves her so much.

Just somehing my pos said about his wife
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > Caducus | 10-Jun-05/12:25 PM | Reply
I don't think either of them is that naive. They might say it, but they don't believe it.
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