poemranker ::The Object of the Game by Dovina

DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Free verse № 127946

The Object of the Game

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 27 Jun 2005 · Edited 28 Jun 2005 · 20 comments

He wallows in hurt of women who wronged him of lovers so shallow they stab him on whims and leave the very next morning Ignoring their words and their wounds he finds others to love and be hurt by They tell him why all this is but he’d rather suffer than listen He’d rather ignore their multiplied pain While holding his treasure close

Rate it

0 is the worst, 10 the best. Pick a number, add a comment if you like, then send it. Keys: 0–9 pick, Enter sends.

mean 6.63 weighted 5.44 rank 3007 views 304 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

A favorite of Landon2.

20 comments

[8] fevriere 28-Jun-05/6:04 AM Reply
Is rockmage senile? Or just uninspiringly offensive?

Anyways:
I like this poem - thank God it's not another "women suck because they ignore me".. Yaowl. I was just wondering about the repetition of "hurt" and "hurts" - intentional? I don't like it but this could be unfounded dislike.
[n/a] Dovina › fevriere 28-Jun-05/10:08 AM Reply
I agree on overuse of “hurt.” See edit.
[6] Caducus 28-Jun-05/6:26 AM Reply
I like it but the last 2 lines lack impact.
[n/a] Dovina › Caducus 28-Jun-05/10:08 AM Reply
Agreed. See edit.
[10] Joshua_Tree 28-Jun-05/7:47 AM Reply
Somehow collective pain never has the psychological impact of individual pain. Poetry can address this in two ways. It can throw bare a single example in the midst of the chaos of pain or it lay the pain on in unstopping layers like some abuelita unwittingly building a bullet resistant pinata.

You score for having something to say, for saying it well and for not being self centered in you communication. You just need to conciously decide on an approach and work it in order to get a 10.
[n/a] Dovina › Joshua_Tree 28-Jun-05/10:08 AM Reply
Thanks, Joshua, that’s good criticism. I’ve tried, in the edit, to make the ending stronger.
[10] Joshua_Tree › Dovina 28-Jun-05/11:44 AM Reply
Nice piñata, abuelita. I think the ending works well. As long as it's about him, that's the most evocative ending you're likely to find while dealing concretely with the issue. It's an important approach and you improved on your excellent effort from before, earning well the 10 I promised.

I'd also be curious about how you would approach this issue from a more abstract viewpoint. It's true that a man would think women are shallow if he never was available for intimacy, himself, but how would you illustrate it?

I especially like the title. "Game" has potential to evoke a whole spectrum of emotions, depending on the experience and training one has in relationships. It is apparent here that the primary meaning is that of a competition and protecting his 'treasure' is what the subject sees as the goal. That being so, attempts to explain that the game differs from his expectations fall on deaf ears.
[n/a] Dovina › Joshua_Tree 28-Jun-05/12:32 PM Reply
You’re asking for psychological answers as though you have training. My viewpoint is mere experience as one of the hurt. His ears seem so deaf to what so many have said, that I wonder if he really prefers his sorrow and finds comfort in it.
[10] Joshua_Tree › Dovina 28-Jun-05/4:07 PM Reply
Sorry, I wasn't clear at all. You did a great job of understanding the situation and an admirable job of expressing it. It's like a photograph - crisp and clear with the capabilities and limitations of that medium - and very good as an artistic photograph. End of discussion on this poem.

What I think you could do superbly in a different poem is paint a picture of a moment or an almalgamation of the scenes that led to your conclusions. For example, are there items, odors, bits of dialog that illustrate his wallowing in hurt? That, too, would make a superb poem.
[n/a] Dovina › Joshua_Tree 28-Jun-05/4:15 PM Reply
I’m all ablush! What you ask seems much harder, but I’ll think on it.
[8] fevriere › Dovina 30-Jun-05/10:03 AM Reply
I second that idea! I like what you're on to.
[8] darby pyn 28-Jun-05/11:33 AM Reply
well done.

this was very good. 8
[n/a] Dovina › darby pyn 28-Jun-05/12:32 PM Reply
Thanks, Darby
[7] deleted user 28-Jun-05/8:48 PM Reply
Unfortunately not an 8, you lose me with the last line...cannot imagine that his treasure stands for masochistic need. Surely it can't be that simple?

There's a good ring to it, especially the first stanza.
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 29-Jun-05/8:22 AM Reply
I’m no psychologist, but it seems he wants his sorrow over happiness, and acts to produce more sorrow.
[7] Shuushin 29-Jun-05/6:44 AM Reply
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and".

The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness.

Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
[n/a] Dovina › Shuushin 29-Jun-05/8:21 AM Reply
Thanks for the comments: I’ll certainly give it thought. And welcome back. I know you were never gone, leaving glimpses of yourself here and there, like a ghost watching over us. It’s good to see you in full frontal poeticy.
[7] Shuushin › Dovina 29-Jun-05/8:26 AM Reply
I check in from time to time. I don't have too much new to say these days, so I don't say it.

Glad to see you are still writing!

Have you ever seen the magazine "Writer's Journal"?
[8] zodiac 30-Jun-05/3:09 AM Reply
First and second lines make it sound like the women are the ones hurting, not the man. You can say, "of implies ownership, his hurt simply BELONGS to the women." Whatever. If at some level you're taking this comment seriously then, no, the missing punctuation would not fix it.

Lines two and three make it sound like either the shallow lovers are hurting or the women somehow wronged him of shallow lovers, neither of which is what you mean. You can say, ibid. My answer: ibid.

Second stanza continues the other-people-wounded-not-him. And why do you talk like such an android in your poetry? I expect you at any moment to say, haltingly, "Is this...the thing... that... humans call... love...?"
[n/a] Dovina › zodiac 30-Jun-05/7:34 AM Reply
No, this android, though predictable, will not this time say what you expect. I see what you and shuushin mean about the first verse and will clarify it thus:

He wallows in hurt-
women who wronged him
Lovers so shallow they stab him on whims
leave the very next morning

The second verse is already clear, I think, but it changes from human to android. It ceases to pass for human as the first verse may.