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The Object of the Game (Free verse) by Dovina He wallows in hurt
of women who wronged him
of lovers so shallow they stab him on whims
and leave the very next morning
Ignoring their words and their wounds
he finds others to love and be hurt by
They tell him why all this is
but heâd rather suffer than listen
Heâd rather ignore their multiplied pain
While holding his treasure close
Up the ladder:
The Unholiest Sonnet Ever
Down the ladder:
how my life is dying
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.625
Posted: June 27, 2005 11:56 AM PDT; Last modified: June 28, 2005 10:07 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.43703 Overall Rank: 3009 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
I like it but the last 2 lines lack impact.
Agreed. See edit.
Somehow collective pain never has the psychological impact of individual pain. Poetry can address this in two ways. It can throw bare a single example in the midst of the chaos of pain or it lay the pain on in unstopping layers like some abuelita unwittingly building a bullet resistant pinata.
You score for having something to say, for saying it well and for not being self centered in you communication. You just need to conciously decide on an approach and work it in order to get a 10.
Thanks, Joshua, thatâs good criticism. Iâve tried, in the edit, to make the ending stronger.
Nice piñata, abuelita. I think the ending works well. As long as it's about him, that's the most evocative ending you're likely to find while dealing concretely with the issue. It's an important approach and you improved on your excellent effort from before, earning well the 10 I promised.
I'd also be curious about how you would approach this issue from a more abstract viewpoint. It's true that a man would think women are shallow if he never was available for intimacy, himself, but how would you illustrate it? I especially like the title. "Game" has potential to evoke a whole spectrum of emotions, depending on the experience and training one has in relationships. It is apparent here that the primary meaning is that of a competition and protecting his 'treasure' is what the subject sees as the goal. That being so, attempts to explain that the game differs from his expectations fall on deaf ears.
Youâre asking for psychological answers as though you have training. My viewpoint is mere experience as one of the hurt. His ears seem so deaf to what so many have said, that I wonder if he really prefers his sorrow and finds comfort in it.
Sorry, I wasn't clear at all. You did a great job of understanding the situation and an admirable job of expressing it. It's like a photograph - crisp and clear with the capabilities and limitations of that medium - and very good as an artistic photograph. End of discussion on this poem.
What I think you could do superbly in a different poem is paint a picture of a moment or an almalgamation of the scenes that led to your conclusions. For example, are there items, odors, bits of dialog that illustrate his wallowing in hurt? That, too, would make a superb poem.
Iâm all ablush! What you ask seems much harder, but Iâll think on it.
I second that idea! I like what you're on to.
well done.
this was very good. 8
Thanks, Darby
Unfortunately not an 8, you lose me with the last line...cannot imagine that his treasure stands for masochistic need. Surely it can't be that simple?
There's a good ring to it, especially the first stanza.
Iâm no psychologist, but it seems he wants his sorrow over happiness, and acts to produce more sorrow.
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and".
The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness. Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
Thanks for the comments: Iâll certainly give it thought. And welcome back. I know you were never gone, leaving glimpses of yourself here and there, like a ghost watching over us. Itâs good to see you in full frontal poeticy.
I check in from time to time. I don't have too much new to say these days, so I don't say it.
Glad to see you are still writing! Have you ever seen the magazine "Writer's Journal"?
First and second lines make it sound like the women are the ones hurting, not the man. You can say, "of implies ownership, his hurt simply BELONGS to the women." Whatever. If at some level you're taking this comment seriously then, no, the missing punctuation would not fix it.
Lines two and three make it sound like either the shallow lovers are hurting or the women somehow wronged him of shallow lovers, neither of which is what you mean. You can say, ibid. My answer: ibid. Second stanza continues the other-people-wounded-not-him. And why do you talk like such an android in your poetry? I expect you at any moment to say, haltingly, "Is this...the thing... that... humans call... love...?"
No, this android, though predictable, will not this time say what you expect. I see what you and shuushin mean about the first verse and will clarify it thus:
He wallows in hurt- women who wronged him Lovers so shallow they stab him on whims leave the very next morning The second verse is already clear, I think, but it changes from human to android. It ceases to pass for human as the first verse may. 304 view(s)
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Anyways:
I like this poem - thank God it's not another "women suck because they ignore me".. Yaowl. I was just wondering about the repetition of "hurt" and "hurts" - intentional? I don't like it but this could be unfounded dislike.