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The choices we make (Free verse) by darby pyn
A fire deep inside won’t let me lament. inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement. born for breeding and dying young like my father and like his son. my carnal vices hold no sect I’m secular form that intellect it held me down in it’s archaic fist. and kept me blind below the mist of forgery with a smile. guilty without a trial. in my Shiva I mourned my youth with callow ignorance I stayed aloof. promiscuous with every shot I laid her down above my cot and lose myself below the belt and watch her inhibitions melt and for a moment we were one. I promised her the moon and sun. but in the morning I just stood still watching her cry by the doorway sill and as the door closed behind her back I suffered my first heart attack. that day I knew I had no soul and blamed it on no self-control. years would pass and the taste would sting with every memory the past would bring. till I was left alone to cower in the corner of my judgment hour

Up the ladder: Feel the Love
Down the ladder: Ulterior Not Alterior

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Arithmetic Mean: 2.3333333
Weighted score: 4.6821256
Overall Rank: 12173
Posted: June 29, 2005 9:45 AM PDT; Last modified: June 29, 2005 9:45 AM PDT
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Comments:
[3] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 69.231.25.124 | 30-Jun-05/1:32 AM | Reply
you have a lot of words in your mind. I think you may not lack intellect. I am not a good poet, but I do something with all of my poems that i think you should do: Think about each line and what it's saying.

"inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement"
inoculate (make immune through the introduction of a micro-organism or virus in a cultured medium)

"make immune the sores with rhetorical cement"
so, the disease you are trying to prevent is rhetorical cement?

okay, rhetorical means what? Something said to produce an effect rather than a response. so rhetorical cement is what? cement that is cemented to produce an effect rather than a response?

I am not good enough to try rhyming anything. I don't have a strong enough vocabulary to reach for rhyme AND rhythm...and I've been reading and writing for a long time.
[n/a] darby pyn @ 207.200.116.197 > Bankrupt_Word_Clerk | 30-Jun-05/10:29 AM | Reply

The way I meant “inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement”
is this is a poem about a man at a young age who hated what he saw.
the government. his dad a poor man sent to war lost a limb
and gets spit at on return, say the church who beats him
and in his eyes full of hypocrisy. so say you want to memorize
a number, 856, 856 , 856. you repeat it over and over.
as a child he is saying “I will never be like that”
over and over. and in that case which I meant it
the phrase works.

thanks for your insight.



[n/a] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > darby pyn | 3-Jul-05/6:42 AM | Reply
I think what they're trying to say is 'soars' means 'flies around', while 'sores' means wounds and is probably what you meant. It doesn't make sense to say "inoculate the flies around".
[4] Caducus @ 213.122.70.19 | 3-Jul-05/1:17 AM | Reply
Heartfelt and sentmental but your problem lies in not what you want to say, just the way you dilute it with forced rhyme.

Force what you wanna say first. Allegiance to rhyme should not dictate the poem.
[n/a] darby pyn @ 207.200.116.197 > Caducus | 7-Jul-05/10:14 PM | Reply
You're right about the rhyme dictating the poem.
definitely something to ponder on.
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