Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	6-Apr-06/8:43 AM
Plus points are for the seemingly lack of self pity and though fairly generic in word choice you have knack for narrative and characteriztions i could care about. Rangers right about the end as the ancient style of words such as o'er is like mixing chocolate with cabbage. Title could be more fitting and just called 16 months. I also think the four continents / one nest scenario could be milked more for poignancy. You give me a lot of ideas from what i have read, the potential i can see but i find you could be gettin more from your writing if you second read or draft your work further.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Very cool and very assured.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	6-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Problem ! this is well enough written and i can see the earnest in your writing but it just reads like an essay set and is like a dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/8:29 AM
Did us Brits have our asses kicked at fort bragg? Bloody Tea was the end of us lol.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/8:28 AM
echo - ecargo. I'll add that I think its a stanza too long and it could be ended perfectly in 5. Your knocking out some good stuff and retaining the focusa as you write which m,akes reading you a good thing.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Dressed well mr R. Like the unravelling words complementing the unravelling tempest, i think you struggled in last 2 lines, i dont even think it needs it, maybe end it with calm or whats left after.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	6-Apr-06/4:49 AM
Spon is an old word i think from saxon times which means to meet, or to spon.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	4-Apr-06/8:43 AM
Because this read so heartfelt and genuine it seemed elevated from greeting card style poetry to something more and i find myself drawn to the simplicity of it. I guess I'm saying simplicity can work - i think the meter helps and it would be even better with a couple of killer lines (less basic). It needs a core, a heart. The end line normally would make you sound dependant on someone else to feel loved but it kind of works for me though why do you love him? give us a reason and make the love tangible and felt more. Pretty good, flawed yet lovely.
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	4-Apr-06/8:37 AM
last 3 lines wrap it up a treat.
Re: a comment on 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	31-Mar-06/12:29 AM
You've picked the part of the poem which is basic yes. The klast stanza is possibly preachy maybe though i wanted to pose a question. A lot of thought has gone into this, for instance cirrhus clouds are beard shaped and travel east to west,pavements were portals (to heaven? an epiphany of hope?) Kodak graves - hopefully thats obvious. I hope irony is in here too in stanza 2. These jumpers were often referred to as 'suicide jumpers' - harsh words from some especially in the fact that catholics go to hell if they take their own lives, but hell was forced upon these people and it was burn or die. I would feel like shit as a relative having people label my loved one as a suicide jumper because faith is tested in loss enough as it is without the wounding words of those that play god with statements. Poetry like this is always a taboo in a way but I tried hard to avoid cliche and trite images and the basic part was their to lead people to how they feel now years after, slightly desensitized and less raw from that day and re-evaluate how they feel about something that was attempted to be covered up when infact everyone knew. All Americans i know are educated, decent people except for one and he's the guy who wouldnt know the hole in his ass. Thabnks for reading it.
Re: a comment on 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	31-Mar-06/12:20 AM
factual errors?
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	30-Mar-06/6:24 AM
Inspired by the channel 4 documentary 'jumpers 911'.
Re: A Fish is Always a Fish by Dovina	30-Mar-06/12:30 AM
I dont know what you're doing but whatever it is its working and very well too.
Re: Indianapolis Since by matt door	24-Mar-06/1:22 AM
wide eyed field is a good line giving possibilities of the sun being the eye or blooms. The sentiment is nice but you should learn to curb sarcasm and disrespectful digs because it gives you a superioeity complex that will not win you respect on here.
Re: The Right Call by Dovina	22-Mar-06/8:10 AM
you always find an apt and fittin gend to your work and i like that style about you. I think the repetition of *the* hurts the poem though
Re: Squalid by Caducus	22-Mar-06/8:07 AM
comments deleted as it was a totally different poem to the one above. yawn
Re: a comment on The Coventry Blitz by Caducus	21-Mar-06/9:49 AM
the grey umbilical is the ring road strangling the city, the post war noose we built, the mother dwarf is modern coventry born from old coventry - the ring road stops coventry growing and the children of the rising sun symbolizes the imports of cheap cars from japan (as in the sun on the flag) and the death of our motor industry famed for jags etc) this is how new born from old can be a tradgedy for a city but it ends as cov being the city of reconciliation and peace nad forgiveness.
Re: Dashboard Jesus by wilco	21-Mar-06/5:00 AM
bloody good poem - i love it. the title is wicked too. favourited !
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	21-Mar-06/4:59 AM
like citadels of steel and gore and much of the imagery you use in here is well thought out and written. The longer lines disrupt the flow compared to the concise images preceding and folowing them so work on that and you have yourself a belter here. One of the best from you me thinks :-)
Re: Perils of the Learning Curve by Dovina	21-Mar-06/4:56 AM
good to see a poem with an off kilter rhyme. I do it sometimes and it gets some peoples backs up but i like the modern age hippocrates goes philosophical thing.