Re: Lost In Her Effervescence by ALChemy	17-May-06/8:37 AM
Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about. The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about - mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss only to fade on its burning mouth close to her lips where i drowned only to surface with lies. something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	17-May-06/8:29 AM
I dont think I have seen something so mixed in that some of its really good such as the 72 virgins and L2V1 but it slides into the not so good with words like twat. I'm all for bad language but your work here is a cocktail of par excellence and below average. I'm inspired and disappointed all at once lol.
Re: a comment on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	17-May-06/7:16 AM
I think you're right and as I'm supposed to be writing a book on coventry i think it needs sorting so thanks.
Re: a comment on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	13-May-06/3:31 AM
GW has sent that same comment to dozens of poems - or if not her then a hacker or prawne.
Re: a comment on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	13-May-06/3:30 AM
I love it when you get helpful AND nasty - thanks for the help and the laugh.
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	2-May-06/9:09 AM
2nd stanza good but drop the word - and - it reads better without it. I think lines 3/4 of S1 are too verbose, how about - bawling into the megaphone strong language sieved by mono insult, logic, scratching dirt over mistakes.... just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	28-Apr-06/2:08 AM
4th stanza was nearly a coffee spitting experience from cracking up. For using fisticuffs i have to rob the queens sword and wipe it on your lapelle. Fuckin hoot, and the best man with a bouquet is something i want to forget but is like a friggin pussycat dolls chorus and haunts me to a rage. Great poem for that friday feeling. typo line 8 - not that you probably care.
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	28-Apr-06/2:03 AM
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on. last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps. Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	28-Apr-06/2:00 AM
Sweet and good natured but no means your best. Ps the remark from gods wife has been made on almost a dozen poems so take no notice.
Re: Tea and Battenburg by Caducus	20-Apr-06/7:44 AM
a draft at present.
Re: a comment on Face of Iran by Caducus	18-Apr-06/1:22 AM
watts it is then, thanks.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	13-Apr-06/7:49 AM
Anyone seen Threads?
Re: Letting go by Caducus	11-Apr-06/3:09 AM
a change of style for me.
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	10-Apr-06/7:07 AM
okay someone else do it i cant.
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	10-Apr-06/7:07 AM
How dare the barrister be knocked off top spot i self vote a zero.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	10-Apr-06/7:04 AM
To name drop would bore the sh1t outta me with all the hassle it would cause.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	10-Apr-06/1:32 AM
Reminds me of an early 'intransit' style poetry yet the confidence in your writing shows and its very stylistic. Like your bebut (well for me anyway)
Re: Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	10-Apr-06/1:30 AM
No fool then lol. Fun read score -
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	10-Apr-06/1:25 AM
Cool, I love history too and those pesky redcoats were party poopers.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	10-Apr-06/1:22 AM
Making a transition from poetic verse to narrative is very difficult to do. My point is that it reads like a draft - a good one nonetheless but not one that I would deem good enough against the competition of published authors if thats your plan. I think the main problem is lines such as : this process began awakening limbs and organs that had never wanted to feel this pain again You must be able to describe something without the comfort and cosseting of commas, so try and do the image in one without having to drag it out as it shows a lack of confidence, a lack of skill and ability to show what it is you are saying without actually saying it and patronizing the readers intellect. I'll be honest I cannot do it so work with the best i can within my ability. I can hone and improve my talents but the finished article is a reference to ones self of being totally aware that the final print is the representation of the peak of ones ability. Its a good piece of writing but do not be constricted by deadlines or by a personal time scope you have set. Let the piece manifest from advice given and personal inspiration and then let it loose. Examples are hard to give as you hold the pen and the thought processes - not me or anyone else. Its got a lot of potential so dont get shot down by quick reader sick feeder bunch (whoever they may be). G'luck