Re: a comment on The Runt by Caducus	13-Jun-06/8:56 AM
Something similar happened but for the sake of narrative I changed the truth a little. We never left with 4 collies, we left with one and all i can say is it was the nastiest dog i ever had.
Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	5-Jun-06/1:53 AM
Some of the rhymings off due to a sense of allegiance of rhtme over substance but their is also some good lines notably 17-19 and first stza fairly good.
Re: Nomads by amanda_dcosta	5-Jun-06/1:50 AM
Now this is real good and line 3 is the thoughts i would share when i see the same view. V.good
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	2-Jun-06/9:24 AM
its like a gay beach - too many but-ts. Just needs a trim, my creative spirits aint good today.
Re: trained by calliope	2-Jun-06/6:26 AM
solid.
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	2-Jun-06/6:25 AM
Opening 2 lines of S3 are the thorn in this, other than that it holds together in a frayed kinda way.
Re: Non-Partisan by MacFrantic	2-Jun-06/6:23 AM
i feel like this sometimes, line 2 is good but it seems to be in fash every year.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-06/6:18 AM
Few problems in this one are it's too self pitying which shrouds any chance of empathy. Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me. Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
Re: a comment on The Flawed Inventor by Caducus	26-May-06/1:30 AM
brown windows are the eyes of the inventor.
Re: a comment on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	20-May-06/2:45 AM
how about 16 half closed eyes? - idea behind that is to imply they have to see it so they can know the murderers gone but at the same time they find the idea barbaric?
Re: a comment on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	20-May-06/2:40 AM
Ok i just edited a new version. Let me explain why i chose to use two limp hands. It seems obvious why but in onew word it would be 'redemption' that is the notion that prisoners often self proclaim they find and get. I may use your complete verse instead but i'm hungover to fuckery at the moment so will go back to it when jack daniels leaves my body alone.
Re: a comment on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	20-May-06/2:34 AM
Love the exodus idea its hard and effective. You may have a point about the sixteen silies, the four tears represent the parents of the murderer and the sixteen smiles the victims parents, however I do have limits on a first draft and you've spent time crafting a thoughtful and helpful comment and i appreciate that. Sometimes i write two versions of the poem and in this case i think i will as i can conclude with others what is best to do for the poem. Dovina mentioned the last line which is pivotal though perhaps preachy as it leads to what the title and act does - it leads to nothing. thanks for your comments you and dovina often support me and its good of u both.
Re: Goa by amanda_dcosta	19-May-06/5:42 AM
ahhhh Goa the place where one attractive woman attracts a zillion indian men with fruit and cheap ornaments. Lovely people, lovely place and good to see a poem on it. Leave poemranker out though - it has no place in Goa :)
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	19-May-06/5:39 AM
Sorry this one made me dizzy and like my boss needs a makeover. Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it. C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
Re: Play ball he said by thepinkbunnyofdoom	19-May-06/5:35 AM
looks like a copy and paste that went horribly wrong - a shame as some of its okay but t be honest it gave me cataracts :-&
Re: Foray by richa	19-May-06/5:31 AM
You do personal poems well. Should there not be their? I always admire your meter and how you keep the narrative behind the poetry. Line 5 is my favourite as I love the exposure of nature combined with a Fathers caring eye.
Re: a comment on The Wife and the Spider by Caducus	19-May-06/5:26 AM
Thank you.
Re: Seizures by Sunny	19-May-06/2:49 AM
lose a few of the and's then you have yourself a good poem
Re: a comment on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	19-May-06/2:47 AM
PS Think of crimson not as a word but as poets slut word. It aint your fault as i had a very sarcastic and humorous lecture from H8 or Dark Angel about it :-)
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	19-May-06/2:45 AM
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more. This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below) You are, a small gold leaf blown over warm earth Like a kiss- Content at rest But, if you had these eyes, you would see him sitting, in the arms of an apple tree She will hold him, with every other seeking bliss and so on...... it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be. Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.