| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Numbers add to nothing (Free verse) by Caducus Eighth cell
one man
four straps
thirty four years,
five murders.
Three syringes
four guards
eighteen Witnesses
thirty four years -
six months and four days,
gone in two minutes eleven seconds.
One Bible in
two limp hands,
One last thought
23-09-56 exodus.
four tears
sixteen smiles.
One priest.
One prayer.
One day in America
nothing changes.
Up the ladder:
Toku
Down the ladder:
Riding High On My Ignore List
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.142857
Posted: May 19, 2006 3:31 AM PDT; Last modified: May 20, 2006 2:38 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.3073616 Overall Rank: 3643 Comments:
I like it upo to the last line, which preaches.
Also, the title bothers me because it is not about numbers or addition or zero, but about sewing and reaping perhaps, or about not killing the bastard after his first murder, or about not killing in the name of justice - something like that.
These mathmatical and number poems just don't do it for me.
I like it. especially the last line, which I think says it all.
And millions of tax dollars wasted supporting some asshole for 34 years that could've been saved on his court date with 1 bullet.
The end fell flat, and rang hollow and disconnected...which is good, in this case! I notice you are an impartial observer all the way until the last line, then you pronounce some sort of judgment on it all. I am not sure of what your judgment is. Does his death change nothing, are you speaking to nothing changes in America because America continues to put people on death row and use capital punishment, or are you saying capital punishment changes nothing and killing goes on as usual? Or that his life and death is nothing because he is nothing? Or that his death changed nothing in the lives of those affected by his murders?
I hate having to title things! But that said, I think it needs a better title. I don't mind it the way it is, as it leaves one to question what it is about, and to re=read to try to figure those questions out...which is never fully answered, for the reader. I wouldn't mind it being more clear, in showing your judgment either, though.
not my type............no depth, no substance
still bothered by the sixteen smiles. perhaps sixteens sighs of relief, or sixteen easier souls, or something. the half closed eyes that you suiggested would convey either boredom or sleepiness...
the title still does not work for me; i feel as Dovina mentioned. still, the rewrite helped a bit. <8> 289 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
some thoughts:
the purist in me would arrange so each time a number is mentioned it is the beginning of a new line. i would count the "nothing" as a number...
i am not sure what the intent is, but there is potential for it to have a more powerful impact. not sure exactly how... maybe with more of the "four tears, sixteen smiles" sort of imagery that tells us of the emotion.
"four tears" could all be from one eye otr two, no?
maybe "thirty-two dry eyes" instead of sixteen smiles; i cannot imagine that many people smiling at an execution, even if they do want to see the guy dead.
i like the concept of the title, but it may be a little to literal. maybe drop out "numbers" or try "sum of nothing", "nothing totalled" , etc.
AH! "empty tally", that's my choice.
connect the priest to the bible, for certainly he would be holding one. his hands would not be limp, as he would most likely be standing and maybe even reading from it (another thought for numbers is to select an actual biblical passage the priest is reading, one that would include numbers). if the limp hands belong to a seated witness, then the bible could be laying on them, i suppose.
as i read this last part, i felt it should lead off:
one bible in
two calm hands,
one priest, reading Exodus
21:23-25
incidentally, I Wikipedia-ed the "eye for an eye" biblical passages:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_eye_for_
which coughed up Exodus, Leviticus, and Dueterotomy. since my biblical knowledge is minimal, i scanned the related wikipedia liks and decided that Exodus seems the most appropriate since it introduces the code of Hammurabi. Deuterotomy could be a second choice as it also includes passages about Moses' reaffirmation of his covenant with god before his death.
but that's my 15 cents...
Sometimes i write two versions of the poem and in this case i think i will as i can conclude with others what is best to do for the poem.
Dovina mentioned the last line which is pivotal though perhaps preachy as it leads to what the title and act does - it leads to nothing.
thanks for your comments you and dovina often support me and its good of u both.
I may use your complete verse instead but i'm hungover to fuckery at the moment so will go back to it when jack daniels leaves my body alone.