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A Schizophrenic (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta He shakes his head,
Rolls on his bed,
Speaks gibberish
With eyes deep red.
He fights and kicks,
He shouts and spits,
And makes his family
Lose their wits.
With hair unkept,
Mood, not his best
He lives his life
A real test.
He's labelled 'mad'
Inside he's sad,
No one knows him
Nor understands.
Alas, we call ourselves human
And yet what do we see
We're totally numb to those desperate
Whose lives we do not feel.
He's crying out,
oh! don't you know
He's longing to be near
To anyone who'll love him
And want to call him 'dear'.
So heed his call and do not tarry
Although with him there's cause for worry.
Or only when we're in his shoes
We'll understand the schizo news.
Up the ladder:
I'm A Root
Down the ladder:
Journey To The Centre Of The Loom
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Posted: January 22, 2006 9:38 PM PST; Last modified: January 22, 2006 9:38 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.3585887 Overall Rank: 3345 Comments:
Sorry for my comment on your last one. I see now that you do want critique, and so Iâll give it. First, the basics: âunkeptâ should be âunkemptâ I think, just to be traditional. And âlabeledâ should be âlabeled.â
Now for the gritty: âMood, not his best, he lives his life, a real testâ How does living his life as a test relate to his current mood? Maybe you did it like that just for the rhyme and to sound poetic. That's a blunt conclusion, and I'll retract if you show me how the sentence says something important. The following sentence, âAlas . . .â is a little sermon that could be better shown. (Actually, the last three verses are a sermon, and thatâs not bad, except that I think giving more reasons for your conclusions would make them more palatable.) The next sentence, âHeâs crying . . .â is better, but âwantâ should be âwants.â
Dovina thanks a ton for the positive response. I admit there are a lot of spelling mistakes. I noticed them only today when I wanted to show this piece to my husband. Mistakes regretted.
As for "Mood, not his best, he lives his life a real test" - well, as I pictured it.... if anyone was to give him a little more attention and love, probably his mood could be better than when he's shunned away from human company. He lives his life a real test - indicates that he doesn't understand his life, why its not 'normal' like everybody else, why others don't want to have anything to do with him or why does he have such things as hallucinations and abnormal behaviors. Also, does he have anything to look forward to in living his life. Nobody believes in his dreams. I hope this satisfies your question regarding that sentence.
The "Mood . . ." sentenced is vague and bland at written, in my opinion. Your explanation of it is crisp and clear. So although my question is satisfied, the sentence is still not so good.
This is more like a struggling mood. I've been struggling to understand a schiz - and its portrayed in how I wrote it. :-)
Some of the rhymings off due to a sense of allegiance of rhtme over substance but their is also some good lines notably 17-19 and first stza fairly good.
Cadacus, Thank you. This piece is still in the process of editing. I see what you mean, and similar opinions have also been shared, so I accept this graciously. Thank you.
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Like-
"He snakes his head,
they're in his bed,
gibbergarberish.
With eyes deep red.
he fights and kicks,
they shout and spit,
And take his family
Into their midst.
With unhair kept,
mood, damnedest
He rights his life
by hr.-ly tests"...
For more of an idea see schizo poet Ernst Herbeck:
http://garysullivan.blogspot.com/2005/11
http://www.fascicle.com/issue01/Poets/he
The poem aside (I liked it), I wonder why you'd be compelled to write a poem about something you have no experience with. There are so many things you DO have experience with, insights into life in Goa or being a Christian in a place where Christianity is the minority religion that could really enrich us readers' knowledge - yet you (like Dovina with her Racism poems) might as well have written about life as a purple Mars-tortoise, for all you know of real schizophrenics. Why write about schizophrenia at all? Is it because Mental Illness (like Racism) is one of those capital-letter Topics For Poetry in our minds? Take my word for it: No poetry is really about Mental Illness. Or Racism, for that matter. Poetry touches on those things, but it's always firstly about your own experience.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time. (Like I said, I did like the poem.) My suggestion would be, now write one about YOUR REAL EXPERIENCE. If you'll let me make another suggestion, I'd like it to be about being Christian in a non-Christian country. Describe walking to work past Hindu sadhus, hearing the Muslim call-to-prayer in the middle of evening mass, knowing the laws of your home country aren't based on your own moral code - whatever makes up your actual experience. I think that would be ace. Thanks.
Just kidding:)
I live in a Mental Hospital surrounded by schizophrenia, bipolar affective disorder, depression, OCD, anxiety, alcoholism, substance used disorders, etc. Trust me.... I know more about schizophrenia than you'll ever know.
;-)
I've worked in a couple of mental hospitals, too, you know.
I had a psychologist tell me that she'd never met anyone more stable and with such inner peace. I thought, geeze lady you're more messed up than I am.
Jordan's about 100,000 Christians in a country of 6 million. You definitely feel what it means to be in a non-Christian country. Even though Christians are pretty well tolerated, even the law is totally based on Muslim principles. It's wild.
"November 18, 2002 - A local pastor and three Operation Mobilization workers were beaten in Goa after showing the Jesus film in a family home. The men were attacked by a mob of about 30 people as they were sitting down to eat with the family, who had been very receptive to the film. The mob also damaged a vehicle used by the Christian workers. Police eventually dispersed the mob and the Christians were able to file a formal complaint."