This is nice writing but I wished you would have approached it differently. I wish you would've written it in a schizo manner.
Like-
"He snakes his head,
they're in his bed,
gibbergarberish.
With eyes deep red.
he fights and kicks,
they shout and spit,
And take his family
Into their midst.
With unhair kept,
mood, damnedest
He rights his life
by hr.-ly tests"...
For more of an idea see schizo poet Ernst Herbeck:
http://garysullivan.blogspot.com/2005/11/three-more-ernst-herbeck-translations.ht
ml
http://www.fascicle.com/issue01/Poets/herbeck1.htm