Dovina23 Jan 2006

Sorry for my comment on your last one. I see now that you do want critique, and so I’ll give it. First, the basics: “unkept” should be “unkempt” I think, just to be traditional. And “labeled” should be “labeled.”

Now for the gritty: “Mood, not his best, he lives his life, a real test” How does living his life as a test relate to his current mood? Maybe you did it like that just for the rhyme and to sound poetic. That's a blunt conclusion, and I'll retract if you show me how the sentence says something important.

The following sentence, “Alas . . .” is a little sermon that could be better shown. (Actually, the last three verses are a sermon, and that’s not bad, except that I think giving more reasons for your conclusions would make them more palatable.)

The next sentence, “He’s crying . . .” is better, but “want” should be “wants.”