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A Schizophrenic (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta

He shakes his head, Rolls on his bed, Speaks gibberish With eyes deep red. He fights and kicks, He shouts and spits, And makes his family Lose their wits. With hair unkept, Mood, not his best He lives his life A real test. He's labelled 'mad' Inside he's sad, No one knows him Nor understands. Alas, we call ourselves human And yet what do we see We're totally numb to those desperate Whose lives we do not feel. He's crying out, oh! don't you know He's longing to be near To anyone who'll love him And want to call him 'dear'. So heed his call and do not tarry Although with him there's cause for worry. Or only when we're in his shoes We'll understand the schizo news.

Dovina 23-Jan-06/10:34 AM
Sorry for my comment on your last one. I see now that you do want critique, and so I’ll give it. First, the basics: “unkept” should be “unkempt” I think, just to be traditional. And “labeled” should be “labeled.”

Now for the gritty: “Mood, not his best, he lives his life, a real test” How does living his life as a test relate to his current mood? Maybe you did it like that just for the rhyme and to sound poetic. That's a blunt conclusion, and I'll retract if you show me how the sentence says something important.

The following sentence, “Alas . . .” is a little sermon that could be better shown. (Actually, the last three verses are a sermon, and that’s not bad, except that I think giving more reasons for your conclusions would make them more palatable.)

The next sentence, “He’s crying . . .” is better, but “want” should be “wants.”




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